Friday, January 2, 2015

2015 New Year's Resolutions

It's a new year.  I'm a little bit older, a little bit wiser, and my heart is a little heavier.  I'm growing up and going from cute to beautiful as I go up in the adult years.  I'm finally in love with myself and love being me.  I'm not happy all the time, but I'm content.  I know my worth and I now that I'm going to be okay in the end.  No more feelings of harm or confusion.  I'm a big girl now and ready to face the world head on.  My new years resolution list this year is larger than any time before, but I've figured out everything I want to do differently and try this year.  Love and romance is no where on my goals, I just want to continue to love myself and little prince.  I'm still in love, I just don't want to think about it anymore.  Alexander and Master are past chapters in my life, the page has turned and it's a new chapter this year.

Master was my first everything and will have a place in my heart as little prince's father.  Alexander will always be in my heart as my one true love.  His smiles, his kisses, his intelligence and passion.  Even with his flaws, I loved every inch of him, especially his mind.  In the short time we spent together, I grew a lot myself and learned what true love is.  I'll never be the same after meeting him and I think that's what people are supposed to do.  They come into your life to help you become better and leave you a little more broken, but a little stronger.  I'll always wish in the back of my mind that our paths will cross again when we're a little older, a little more together, but even if I never see him again, I'll always remember that smile and smile myself every time I think about it.  No matter where we are in the world and how long it's been, even if I grow old and never see him, he'll still be all I ever need.

  1. Never apologize for being myself.
  2. Transition to Vegan and buy Vegan replacements when an item is used up.
  3. Look for work everyday.
  4. Clean the entire house from top to bottom.
  5. Reduce the amount of water and electricity used on a daily basis.
  6. Look at only the positives.
  7. Stop eating out.
  8. Apply for college and follow through.
  9. Start a mission and organization board.
  10. Get a compost and recycling station set up on the patio.
  11. T.H.I.N.K (Is it... true, helpful, informative, necessary, kind) before speaking.
  12. Exercise for at least 20 minutes / day.
  13. Update my resume and take a job readiness coarse.
  14. Make a household budget as well as a debt reduction and savings plan.
  15. Start a garden on the patio with herbs and hangup a bird feeder.
  16. Be polite and kind to everyone, regardless of if they deserve it.
  17. Start a morning and evening routine for health, hygiene and mood.
  18. Apply for a starter credit card,
  19. Organize each room in the house in a way that is functional for everyday.
  20. Only buy products that are second hand and/or eco + animal friendly.
  21. Never raise my tone to anyone and take a timeout to think before acting.
  22. Plan out my weekly meals ahead of time and make them nutritious.
  23. Push to learn how to drive and obtain a driver's license and used car.
  24. Set up a work area in little prince's room, a media center in the living room and a dining area.
  25. Unplug everything from outlets, besides switch lights, when not in use.
  26. Spend time helping Kris with schoolwork, projects, hobbies, and reading.
  27. Start going to Weight Watchers meetings for ideas and support.
  28. Start planning things well in advance instead of last minute.
  29. Keep purse clean and have a childcare baggy stocked in it at all times.
  30. Keep up to date with current world issues, green party, and animal rights.
  31. Stop using inappropriate language and rude names/descriptions.
  32. Meditate, practice yoga, and lift weights daily.
  33. Build an emergency kit and a medical kit for the house and one for the car.
  34. Get an organizer calendar and keep track of a ll important events and dates.
  35. Adopt an animal to love and take care of.
  36. Only touch someone if they say it's okay.
  37. Stop biting nails, scratching and picking at myself.  This isn't ladylike.
  38. Find reliable childcare for little prince and funding to pay for it.
  39. Make a daily routine for meals, activities, and cleaning
  40. Find a cause to volunteer for at least once a week.
  41. Start and finish the couch to 5k program and sign up to run at least 1 mile.
  42. Find a hobby that I can stick with and turn into a hobby business.
  43. Try not to ask others for help more often than needed.
  44. Set limits and a bedtime for little prince and stick with them.
  45. Donate time, food, and money to those who need it most.
  46. Help little prince stick with his resolutions and personal goals.
  47. Keep a log of all the food, exercise, habits, and sleep patterns I have.
  48. Make time to relax by myself and pamper myself to help with stress.
  49. Find a better system to organize my digital media.
  50. Donate plasma and other body parts to help those in need.
  51. Be more creative and think with an open mind.
  52. Take the time to learn more about nutrition.
  53. Set a rule for no television, phones, or computers during meals.
  54. Go to the grocery shopping at least four times a week instead of once for freshness.
  55. Spend more time outside and enjoy nature.
  56. Start a 365 photography, drawing, kindness, and learning project.
  57. Spend time to make unique, creative, and artsy food.
  58. Make a book of passwords and needed family information.
  59. Get regular checkups at the doctor's and get dental health up to date.
  60. Limit the amount of time the electronics are used.
  61.  Spend time each day reading part of a novel.
  62. Reserve internet time for once a day instead of throughout.
  63. Take time out of every week to update journals.
  64. Assign little prince household chores and keep him accountable.
  65. Take up learning how to play an instrument.
  66. Plan to visit friends and extended family more often.
  67. Teach little prince to start being self-sufficient.
  68. Start an easy savings plan to go on a family vacation.
  69. Start organizing photos and learn how to scrapbook.
  70. Start working on house improvement and D.I.Y. projects.
  71. Look into finding people to trade snail mail letters with.
  72. Do more research into my interests, such as Lolita, and blog about it.
  73. Compile a list of favorite recipes and publish a family cookbook.
  74. Complete a 1000 piece puzzle and a 3-D puzzle.
  75. Write and publish a children's book with illustrations.
  76. Start learning how to speak and write in another language.
  77. Learn to listen to my body and figure out what I need.
  78. Learn a new and useful life skill.
  79. Take life a little less serious and don't worry about romance.
  80. Don't be hard on myself if everything doesn't end up as planned.

Monday, November 3, 2014

As One Book Ends, Another Begins...

Every day, something new happens.  I get a little older, do something a little different, meet someone new, learn a new skill... things keep moving forward.  Even if everything isn't going to be rainbows and sunshine the next day, things are still changing and the day after that could be even better than any before it.  To sum things up, I can always keep trying for my happy ending.

Master is gone.  He is no longer the only man in my life and he isn't the person my heart belongs to.  He decided to go back on his word and I left him.  I couldn't keep playing games and I didn't want to be tortured forever.  What little love I had for him, I gave up for a much greater feeling.  True love.  The feeling of being drunk off the smell of a person, getting lost in their gaze and feeling that you could lose every spec of your world and as long as they are by your side, you still have everything you could ever want.

I am currently in a place where I am single, but don't really mind that much.  I met this new person in late March of last year and things have been very different for me since meeting him.  It was love at first sight and I've never really wanted for anything else since meeting him.  We dated for almost a year, were engaged for three months and then broke up.  We still see each other at least once a week, sometimes a few times a week and we are still very much in love.  He wants to go on a date sometime in the near future and maybe try things again now that we're living on our own again.

My finances are just as bad, if not worse, than they were in February of last year.  I'm struggling every day to survive, but I can't let anyone I love know.  I'll figure out how to make things work, even if I have to donate enough plasma to make myself sick and sell all of my things.  I don't need objects anyways if you think about it.  They don't really serve much of a purpose and I think it would be best to get rid of them before they cause any real problems in my life.  I hope that things turn around for me and that I'm in a better state of life when I write again.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Last Day...

Today is the last day of the obedience game and I'm nervous.  I know I shouldn't be since overall I have really improved and been a good girl.  I'm just afraid that Master doesn't see it that way and that he'll go back on his word even more so if I actually win tomorrow.  He just had surgery yesterday too so I don't want to pester him about something like this.  I just hope he feels better soon.

On another note I have so much to do right now and so little money that I just feel like breaking down.  I need financial help badly and I'm trying to sell off everything Master didn't buy me to make a little rent money.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Losing it...

I'm still feeling the horrible ache of being unwanted and unloved right now.  Sure Master tried his best a couple days ago to tell me I'm loved, but I don't feel it.  He was only affectionate for one day and then went back to his normal, unloving, uncaring self who puts me on hold.  I just wish I wasn't in love sometimes because of how much it hurts and how much I'm starting to feel like it's not worth it.  Sure Master is the person I want, but he doesn't seem to want me.  I even told him I oogled someone else and he doesn't see why he should care.  I think he really just is in love with that other girl and doesn't give a crap about me.  I'm starting to hate myself again.  I'm going to bed before I start throwing a tantrum and scream at him for being such a horrible husband and Master.

On another note, Master said that he might visit soon, though I'm sure that's just a sick tease like everything else he says to me.  I don't know why he bothers saying stuff like that when he knows I'll just get upset when it doesn't happen or it happens a really long time from now.  He might just like seeing me upset.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Almost Over...

Just six more days and the three month long obedience game is over.  I've done all that I can do in the way of bettering myself and being good, now I just have to leave everything to chance and hope.  I've been stressing myself out and working my poor body as hard as I can to move heavy boxes and furniture on my own.  I somehow got a six foot tall, rather heavy curio / television cabinet up the stairs and into my apartment, but my hands and back hurt now.  Not only that, but I come home and Master is just getting offline as I'm getting on.  It's just such a bad day I want to cry, go to bed and hope that I never wake up.

I'm not even finished with the bad though because now I have to wake up early in the morning to open at work for my first time and I didn't make it to turn in some papers on time.  I just want someone to hold me tight and kiss me on the forehead.  I don't know why that's so much to ask for, but it seems to be so.  I just feel so unloved, unwanted and worthless right now.  I have no one to help me, take care of me or even comfort me anymore.  I feel like a mistake that should have never happened in the first place.  I'm sure everyone would be much happier that way.