Monday, December 31, 2012

2013 New Years Resolutions

So, the new year is fast approaching and 2012 will be history.  I'm excited for the new year to start because it means that there will be new beginnings and a fresh start on life.  I honestly don't know which day I believe to be the new year.  My religion believes it to be Samhain (Halloween), others think it's the winter solstice or spring equinox.  Some even base it of some odd pattern of their own calendar, like the Chinese.  I'm fine with celebrating all of them because each has special traditions and new hopes and starts for everyone.  With the widespread day of new year, the 1st of January, there comes cocktail parties, fancy dresses, Auld Long Syne, David Bowie, noise poppers, fireworks, the ball drop and resolutions.  Which our generation and forward probably can't sing Auld Long Syne or tell you who David Bowie is.

So, as the new year rings in I'll be thinking of all the new hopes I have for the future, my chance at a new start and a new life with Master in a new place, my new job that I'll be starting soon and hopefully a bright new future for our little one and our cat as well.  I'll also hopefully get to speak with Master for a few minutes  and blow him a kiss over the phone.  It's the same thing we do every year, though the last three years past we've shared a rather long kiss and before when we were in high school we kissed, so we haven't missed a year yet and I don't plan on it.  As for my resolutions, here they are along with some items off my bucket list that I believe I will be able to accomplish or accomplish a large portion of in the coming year.
  • Resolution #1 - Start taking care of myself!
I'm still very much guilty that even though I love myself, I still don't really give myself the time I deserve.  I've been neglecting my physical help, my health, my hygiene routine and my wants and desires.  I need to take care of me because a happy me equals a happy slave for Master.  This year I am going to track every bite of food that goes in my mouth before it even touches my lips.  I am going to exercise for at least ten minutes a day every day.  I am going to take a shower every day and make sure to keep clean for Master.  I am going to brush my teeth at least twice a day.  I am going to stop chewing my nails and picking at my skin.  I am going to remain substance free.  I am going to buy myself a nice new outfit once I am halfway to my ideal body and am able to keep up with myself.  I am only going to be my true self and nothing else, even at the expense of being shunned by others and scolded by my Master if something doesn't agree with him.
  • Resolution #2 - Become financially stable!
I have a job lined up for a few days from now, but I can still get fired and just because I have a job doesn't mean I am making enough money to get by.  I want to get through this year making enough money to support as much as I need to and be able to buy myself the things that I really need and one or two wants with Master's permission.  I want to be able to afford a nice apartment, delicious food and the occasional self-indulgence.
  • Resolution #3 - Be an optimist!
I need to stop assuming things as soon as something happens or something is said.  Just because something looks bad, doesn't mean it is.  In the case of Master, it usually is since he's a bit sneaky and hides his true intentions so I don't get mad, but I'll have to do my best to believe him this year.  Just the same, I will always make sure to tell the truth about absolutely everything from now on so I don't even need the ten second rule to reword myself.  I also think this goes along with being optimistic, no more cursing at anyone.  It doesn't sound cute when I say bad words and I know Master doesn't really like it.  He says them, but he's a guy so it just is different.  When a lady says something like that it just makes everyone shake their heads.  So I will not curse in the new year, not even one tiny little s word.
  • Resolution #4 - Better myself as a person!
I need to try and find some etiquette classes.  Whether they're online or not doesn't really matter, I just need to take them.  I need to brush up on my manners as well.  I also want to try and be better for Master and our little one.  I'm sure they'd both appreciate that a lot.  I also am going to try my hardest to learn a new word in six languages every day.  Do to this, I'm going to post a few "word of the day" widgets up on the blog so that they are where I can find them easily and that way learning the words won't be so hard.  I also want to learn more about other cultures and try to figure out how to ultimately get along with everyone.
  • Resolution #5 - Only do feel good things!
Besides trying to be optimistic about everything, I only want to do things that make me feel good.  That means everything besides work if I end up not liking it and anything that Master wants that I can't say no to.  I only am going to eat foods that taste good, though I am going to try new foods this year.  I'm only going to listen to music I like unless I have no say in the matter.  This year is all about making myself as happy as possible so that I can make Master as happy as possible with me.
Along with my five new year's resolutions, I have 43 Things that I would like to try to work on and hopefully accomplish this year.  All the items are off of my actual bucket list, which is extremely long.  I'm just going to have to follow the schedule I made for myself so that I can get everything I want done finished and out of the way as soon as possible.  I just hope I feel a little better by the new year.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Old Resolutions

Last year I set myself a goal of just five New Years resolutions with a lot of goals pertaining to much larger ones.  I know that the year hasn't ended just yet, though I figured it was time to go down the list and see what kind of progress I made.  I was only good for about 1/4 of the year, so I'm guessing not much was done.  So here is the list of 2012 New Years Resolutions and how far I came in the last three months.
  • Resolution #1 - Be a better person (Specifically towards my husband)
Now I know for a fact this one was partially accomplished.  Though it was not shown or even done through most of the first 3/4 of the year, I did manage to become a better person through my experiences.  I messed up big time, lost what I wanted most and learned how to gain it back through being my true self and submitting to my Master and his will. - I however did not stop cussing like I wanted.  I don't cuss towards Master and I do not cuss most of the time, thought I still do it once in a while. - I do not call Master names anymore, though I do name call once in a while and need to work on this. - I have learned to back down, though this was as of a few days ago and I'm not yet ready to say it's accomplished. - I have learned to be myself and not try to be something else or show emotions that taint my personality.  I am not a mean person and I do not need to act like one to get anything from anyone.
  • Resolution #2 - Patch up our relationship
This one was not accomplished.  Master and I are starting to work on things, though our relationship is not 'patched up' so to speak.  Instead of doing what Master calls "putting a bandage on a hemorrhaging wound" we decided to destroy and build anew, this time I just hope no patches are needed. - Suggesting activities and hinting at dates failed in the end and now we can't really do them together unless they're online. - We also failed at one of the import mini goals which was keep the family together.  We ended up splitting up in the end, though we will be together as a family again someday, I hope. - We ended up exercising together for a little while, though Master seemed more interested in being alone in the end. - We also did not try new foods together except for one or two things at the Asian Buffet. - Weekly date nate and spending quality time lasted for about a month.  We started going out together once a month instead and then twice the last month I lived with Master.  We now just chat a little online every day and play a game together about once a week, though we haven't done that in almost two weeks now.
  • Resolution #3 - Start taking care of myself
I did not end up exercising daily in the end, though I will try to pick up the pace as of today. - I have been trying to eat healthier, though I do not eat very much anymore.  I have cut out most processed foods from my diet and I'm proud of that accomplishment. - I did not end up getting my three weekly spa days or even one weekly or bi-weekly.  I do get a shower twice a week though it's not very relaxing.  I'll try better to at least get some more showers in if nothing else. - My hair is a mess, so doing my hair nicely did not get accomplished obviously.  I had a really cute style for a while, but our little one decided that I needed a trim in the back while I was sleeping.  It's down past my shoulders a bit now and I'm trying to repair it. - Makeup is something I haven't worked on yet, though I did get some eye shadow from my grandmother for Christmas. - I do track calories now, so that one is accomplished, though I'm starting to slip and forget to track certain foods.  I'm going to make sure to track every bite from now on. - I did not loose the amount of weight I had planned for the year, though most of the year was being fed ice cream floats and candy-fluffed fruits by a girl at work who was infatuated with me.  She hated me in high school, but for some reason as an adult she ended up following me about like a puppy and hugging on me.  Anyways, I ended up loosing half of my goal weight.  I will do much better in the coming year.
  • Resolution #4 - Make cats comfortable
This one failed horribly.  We had two cats to start with and had to adopt one out do to litter training issues that she would not fix.  It was our little one's cat too so I felt horrible about doing it, but it needed done. - Master still has his cat and he got me a new cat for our anniversary, but sadly because of the move I could not keep her and I miss her so very much. - We did manage to get the cats a few vet appointments as needed, so that part was accomplished. - The litter area ended up getting cleaned and the carpets as well in the end. - We didn't get them better food, though we did give them canned food as a treat once in a while. - As for playtime with them, Master says he plays with his cat.
  • Resolution #5 - Fix living situation
This one was not accomplished in the least, if anything our living situation is much worse than before.  We are now all split up and live in temporary housing with no source of income.  Master an I did go job hunting together for a while, though it didn't last and he never found employment. - A chore plan was never put through.  We had worked one out, though Master would not do his part in the least and I ended up giving up from stress of working double shifts and dealing with someone who just wanted to be online with his mistress all night at someone else's house. - A moving plan wasn't really worked out.  Yes, we were going to be moving together as a family to a new location, but we didn't.  Instead, I made it to said location a few years before scheduled and Master was left behind.  He'll hopefully be here soon though and then we can go back to being a family and this time, I hope it's a happy one. - House hunting was not accomplished, so I am now having to look for an apartment for us to live in.  Just a three person occupancy with one pet.  I hope that I can find something within price range of a low paying job.  Though I hope Master will find a job as well once he moves out here. - We never ended up buying new electronics and the only reason the house was cleaned was do to moving.

So all-in-all I think it was about 30% of a win this year.  It's not as bad as the year before seeing as that's when we started to dislike each other for his disloyalty.  I just hope he learns to spend a bit more time with me this year and keep chatting with internet only friends to a minimum, if at all.  I know when we had real friends and hung out with them twice a week, he didn't even so much as bother to talk with her.  So, I just have to get our situation to where we have an enjoyable group of friends to hang out with and he won't have the time to think about that horrid lady ever again.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

2013 Here I come

I know my posts are starting to drift a little away from Master, but he hasn't showed interest in training me yet and doesn't ask me if I've done anything wrong anymore.  For now I'm only going to look at the positive, so instead of crying about how Master has no interest in my being right now, I'll think about all the goals I have for my life to make me a happier, healthier and better person all around.  Some things on my list I posted yesterday are obviously only for certain seasons even though I live where it's warm all year round.

In order to accomplish some of my goals, I'll have to buy things I don't already have as well.  If I want to learn how to ride a bike, I'm going to have to buy one.  The one I mentioned yesterday is the one I really want, but it costs sooo much money and I live in a city so I'm kind of afraid of it getting stolen.  I really need to get one for work though, so seeing as they start at just a little under $100, I might as well get the one I want for double the price instead of getting a WiiU.

Okay, so as I might not have mentioned before I have a theme picked out for my apartment already since I'm guessing it's just going to be me and the little one.  It's going to be a Japanese style apartment with pink and white accents for the hime gyaru in me.  I'm going to try my best to find a one-bedroom that is in my price range.  There is no way I'll be able to afford a two-bedroom close enough to work to walk or bike for that matter.  It's actually in a rather odd location because I can take the bus to it, so technically I can live anywhere I want to.  I just don't know what bus fees are so I should check about yearly passes since I know that I'm staying in this area for at least a year or two, maybe longer if I end up loving it.

I went searching for a bit and found the jigsaw puzzle that I want to make.  It's just so adorable there is no way I wouldn't want to frame this!  I also have picked out the perfect chess set for learning how to play chess with.  The only catch is I have to either make the board or get this guy to make it for me.  For the books I need to read and movies I need to watch, I found the local library near where I'll be renting an apartment.  This one might be closer though, I'm really not sure yet.  As for the food, I'm going to have to do some research on what cultural foods are eaten where.

I figured out that burning man isn't till August, so that  can wait to be taken care of in the later half of the year along with the gingerbread house.  However, the Sundance film festival is in late January, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to go.  Taiyou Con is in January as well as Anime Los Angeles, Sac-Anime (which is near my hometown), Bak-Anime and Las Cruces Anime Days.  I've really been looking forward to going to all of them, well besides Las Cruces.  They added Vocaloid to their maid cafe which was supposed to only be Black Butler.  There is just too many things that I can be doing in the first week of January, but I sadly have to pick just one and I'm not even sure I'll be able to make it to the conventions because I start work the weekend they're all on.

I ended up making a 365 Project account so that I could have a place to upload all of my pictures next year. I'm probably going to end up upgrading my account if I like the site or transferring the photographs if I don't.  It all really depends.  Also, here are the sites I'll be using to learn a word a day in Chinese, Elvish, English, French, Japanese and Korean.  I'm not sure what I'm going to write for NaNoWriMo yet, but I still have a while to jot some ideas down.  I really want to get my first ever complete novel written and published in the next year.  I don't even care if it sells more than one copy, I just really want to do it.  I'd be thrilled to have a fan base though.

I will probably just get some basic origami paper to start off with learning to fold again.  The rest of the things on my list don't really require anything that I have to purchase, though some things would be better if I did.  Like I don't need to get professional graphics for my website, but it would probably be a good idea to think about it.

Friday, December 28, 2012

New Year's Bucket List

Alright, so out of my extremely-long-and-hard-to-finish-but-have-to-or-I-won't-be-happy bucket list, I'm using my account on 43 Things to narrow it down to stuff that I think I can finish or get a good portion of finished this year.  As the name of the website suggest, there are a total of forty-three items that I would like to accomplish this year.  Some things are more important than others, but as a whole they are all just as important to get every item checked off.
  1. Learn to ride a bike efficiently and safely.  I haven't ridden a bike in years and I am in absolute love with this bike though I think I may actually be too short for an adult bike.  Yes, I'm under the average height for my country which is annoying sometimes, but good because Master likes me short.
  2. Volunteer at a soup kitchen.  I'd really like to give a little back to the community since I know what it's like to be dirt poor and hungry.
  3. Learn to play chess.  Yes, I know this is a silly one seeing as most well educated people can play, though I haven't actually had another being of my intelligence level to play with in some time.  All of my gal pals were fun to be around, but none of them really read novels or played board games.
  4. Learn to ride a horse.  I haven't been on a horse since before I was a teenager and I really cannot remember the way to sit or needed commands.  I just adore horses and would love to learn how to ride one again so that maybe I can own one someday.
  5. Learn to sew.  This is another basic skill I've lost since becoming an adult.  I use to be able to actually make a pillow or stuffed animal in a matter of minutes, but now I find it hard to even put a button on a pair of pants.  I just think this is a life skill that I really need to remember.
  6. Learn to whistle.  While Master can't really whistle at all, mine is rather dull and I can't hold it or make it very loud.  I just am rather annoyed by this and would like to learn or rather remember how to whistle like a bird.
  7. Make a gingerbread house.  Obviously this one should be done around the winter holidays, I've just never made a real gingerbread house before.  We made a kit one when I was very little, but that really doesn't count and it wasn't edible.
  8. Make a giant cookie.  It doesn't have to be the size of a bedroom, it just has to be a lot bigger than a normal cookie.  I've always wanted to make one of those cookie cakes, so around that size or a little bigger would be neat.
  9. Make a terrarium.  There is just something so beautiful about a small forest in a jar.  I'd really like to make one that lasts for a while so that I can use it as a decoration.
  10. Learn how to fold origami.  A long time ago a Japanese exchange student taught me how to make everything from paper cups and boxes to cranes.  I have never had a reason to make them since and I wanted to pick the art back up.
  11. Learn American Sign Language.  In grade school we learned the alphabet and a bunch of basic signs, though I would really like to learn it so I can fluently use it.  During the fall I lose my voice a lot and I use sign language to talk to Master so that he doesn't get mad at me not being able to speak.  I just want to be fluent in this and it would look good on a job application.
  12. Learn a new word every day for a year.  My English vocabulary isn't where I want it to be, so I'm going to try and learn a new word every day during 2013.  I'm also going to do so in other languages such as Chinese. UPDATE 2013/01/04 - I'm forfeiting this for the year, maybe next time.
  13. Complete a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle.  I've done some 24 piece puzzles in my time and even dared a 100 piece puzzle once.  I'm not very good at matching pieces, though I'd really like to find one of those puzzle picture kits and finish all 1,000 pieces, glue it together and hang it on the wall.
  14. Donate blood.  I am afraid of needles.  Not so much as I use to be though, which is a good thing.  I really want to donate some of my blood seeing as I know that blood transfusions take a lot and hospitals always need some blood in stock.
  15. Experience a sunrise in the desert.  I now live in an area of the world that could be considered a desert, so I would like to go out one day to a more sandy region of this place and just sit and watch the sun rise.  I'm sure it's a rather beautiful sight.
  16. Fill up an entire coloring book.  I just adore really cute coloring books and I want nothing more than to get a couple boxes of crayons and just sit and finish coloring in every single flower, person and creature on each and every page.  I've never gotten to do this before and I think I'm going to go look for a really cute Hello Kitty one.  It has to have at least 100 pages though.
  17. Finish a 365 photography project.  I've never been able to stay dedicated to something other than Master for more than a few months, so I would like to do a year long photography project where I take a picture of something every single day.  I'm going to find a really neat themed one online to start.
  18. Fold 1,000 paper cranes.  After I have learned how to do origami this year, I want to make 1,000 paper cranes for a wish.  There was a book about this that I read in middle school and it got me thinking on the idea.  Once I've made all 1,000 I don't know what I'll wish for though.
  19. Go to Burning Man festival.  So now that I live within walking distance of this grand 'festival of hippies' I would really like to actually go to one.  I'm not going to be doing drugs or be an idiot, I just want to experience what this festival is like.
  20. Hike in the Grand Canyon.  Again, another thing that is super close to me now so I can get it checked off my list.  I would like to hike at least a few miles in the Grand Canyon.  I've never been on a hike in a dry area before and I think it would be a nice change of pace.
  21. Eat a traditional food from every country.  There are exactly 196 countries in the world and I would like to try a traditional or national dish from each and every one of them this coming year.  That may seem like a lot of work to deal with, but I'm going to dedicate myself to it and make sure this happens.  I might ask Master if he wants to do this as well and hold off until March if he says yes.  He's somewhat of a picky eater though, so I don't know if he will.
  22. Make a website for my blog.  This blog does indeed need a website.  I'm going to need a rather large bit of storage for all the photograph galleries I want to post up.  On top of that, I need a place to put static information that needs to stay in one place instead of the daily blog notes I have.
  23. Make fifty dishes from Middle-Earth.  Tolkien's world of Middle-Earth is the one thing in this world that fascinates me more than anything else I have ever known.  Not this year, but someday, I want to have my ears pointed like an Elf.  I adore them more than anything in the world and I want nothing more than to make the dishes described in Tolkien's works.
  24. Try one exotic food every day for a month.  As you can see, I love food, I just don't like eating very often.  So, most of these dishes will end up being dinner foods seeing as breakfast and lunch usually consist of a fruit and some protein shakes for me.  I'd like to try exotic or taboo foods one month this coming year and just nothing but those.
  25. Visit a butterfly garden.  I've been to a bird sanctuary, but I've never been to one of those large butterfly gardens.  I've seen the small ones schools make, but I'd rather go to one that has thousands of plants for the world's only cute insect.
  26. Visit four corners.  This is a place in the United States where four of the states come together.  I just thought it was a fun and silly little thing to do since I live so close to the location.
  27. Walk barefoot in the rain.  I've done this as a child, though out on our patio in the backyard.  I'd like to just take a walk down the street in the rain.
  28. Visit the Sundance Film Festival.  I've heard nothing but good things about this.  Everyone says they have the most amazing films of all time and I would just adore to go see this.
  29. Watch the 100 best movies of all time.  I just adore watching movies, so I thought I would watch the one-hundred best movies of all time and give my critique on what I think of them.
  30. Learn Korean.  I love Korean dramas, fashion and animation.  I have had a few Korean pen pals in the past and would really like to be able to write and speak Korean for the purpose of talking with them and eventually going to South Korea someday.
  31. Learn French.  I took two French classes, one in middle school and one in high school.  I wasn't much for homework, so I almost failed out of the one in high school.  The only thing that saved me was I actually knew the words and could pronounce them properly, acing every written and verbal test we had.  I would really like to expand my vocabulary in French so that I can speak it fluently.
  32. Take a massage class.  I know that makes a lot of money, but I don't want to take a massage class for that.  I would be sickened by touching another person other than Master.  I just really like to give Master massages when he asks and I would like to take a class to better understand why and where to pressure on a person to relieve tension.
  33. Solve a Rubik's cube.  Those little blocks of color have always been fascinating to me.  I have trouble with sliding puzzles as it is, so I would really like to learn how to perfectly match a Rubik's cube.
  34. Ride in a hot air balloon.  I am deathly afraid of heights and what better way to force the overcoming of that fear with no way down but a jump to your death.
  35. Make homemade ice cream.  I've done this twice now, both times didn't turn out very well.  Once was in fifth grade at school and the teacher's even didn't do it right and the other time was at home, it really didn't work at all.
  36. Make homemade marshmallows.  I've never done this before and I'm not really sure how someone makes something so spongy, so I'd like to learn how to do so.  I've always wanted to make my own strawberry, chocolate filled marshmallows so I'm going for it.
  37. Make a bread from 50 different countries.  I just adore bread, though that may be because I'm part French.  I want to try to make national bread from different countries as well as the united states.  I've never made my own bread as an adult and wold like to start learning.
  38. Participate in NaNoWriMo.  National Novel Writing Month is something that I have always wanted to do ever since I was a little girl.  I love to write stories, though I've never gotten more than three or four chapters, this year I am to write a ten or more chapter, light, romance novel.
  39. Pay a random person's bill.  I want to do a random act of kindness and pay for someone's restaurant bill if they're running low on cash.
  40. Learn Elvish.  Again, huge fan of Middle-Earth and Elves.  I want to perfect the language of the elves so that I can speak and sing in it without a problem.
  41. Read 1,000 books.  I really enjoy reading and I would like to try and read one-thousand books.  Though this seems like a lot, when I was younger I could read a full three-hundred plus page novel in just two days if I really got into it.  Now that I am an adult, having to work and do other chores gets int the way of my free time so I'm not sure if I'll be able to read that many books.  To qualify, the book must have at least one-hundred pages and less than fifty half-page or whole-page illustrations.
  42. Read all of Shakespeare's work.  This will help me complete my one-thousand books I need to read. I also just adore his tragic romances and would love to read more of his word seeing as I only read Romeo and Juliet along with Hamlet in high school.
  43. Learn Japanese.  I can say basic words and greetings and even now can recognize some Hiragana and Kanji, though I want to be fluent.  I've forgotten most of the things I've learned as a child, so it's time to brush up again.
So those are all the things I hope to accomplish or take a big chunk out of this year.  Tomorrow I'm going to post up a schedule of how I'm going to have to spend my days in order to get everything I want to fit in and have an exciting and busy 2013!

Edit: 2013/01/04 - I think that the combination of items I put on my list is too overwhelming for me to do in a single year.  I will not be learning a new word a day seeing as I have already missed three days and do not want to start on an odd day as I'm hard of remembering.  Also, learning five languages in one year is a bit insane and I think I'm going to have to pick just one, though I'm not sure which that will be yet.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Yucky Tummy

Well, I woke up three times today.  I went back to sleep the first two times since I'm not feeling that well and Master woke up around the same time I did the third time.  I didn't get to have him say goodnight to me last night which made me a little sad, but I got to chat with him when I woke up at least for a few minutes.  He hasn't replied in hours though, so I'm guessing he fell back asleep or found something better to do.  Either way I'm sure I'll get to talk to him again before I go to bed as long as he gets online before two.  I don't think I'll be able to stay up any later then that.

Eating my mother's Christmas dinner three nights in a row is enough to kill anyone, so if I don't post tomorrow you'll know why.  Her food is never cooked properly and to get away from the burnt stereotype we put on her every time she attempts to make something, which isn't often, she ended up under cooking the food and gave everyone a stomach bug because you just don't under cook ham.  It's just a big no-no that could end up in death.

The month is almost over and Master hasn't trained me yet.  Not even once.  I'm starting to get the feeling he never will and that he doesn't actually want to.  He has been sick though, so I need to try and be a little more patient, though if he doesn't train me next month either, I'm giving up hope.  I really thought things were started anew and we were going to be completely serious about our roles in the relationship, but it doesn't seem to be happening.  I can't be a doting, loving, obedient and loyal pet if there isn't anyone there to be those things for.  So, my happy mood lasted about two days and that's it.  At least I got him to pick a character picture for a new roleplay, though I doubt he'll ever reply to the initial post...

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Count Down

So the New Year is fast approaching and I'm very excited about this.  I'm also a little hyper and love struck do to speaking to Master the other night.  I don't know what it is about his voice, but it makes my heart go racing and my stomach turn to butterflies as if I'd just met him all over again.  I love how Master can make me feel childish, happy and like a little girl with a crush.  It's nice to feel so in love with someone, though I don't know if he returns the feelings.  I know he loves me on some level.  Though, whether it be best friend, caring, lovey or in love - I don't know.  I just have to hope that he'll fall in love with me again once we're together if he isn't already.

I added a New Years countdown under my Obedience Game countdown.  I think it's just adorable and will probably end up changing the size of my other counter to extra small as well.  Every year I make a list of resolutions and try my best to do them, even if only for a few days.  Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't, though this year I promise that I'm going to try my hardest all the way from the first day of the year to the last and even after that because as of October 6th, when I promise something I never ever break that promise.  And yes, Rapunzel is my idol seeing as she is the spitting image of a dream I had when I was little.  Now what you're thinking, yes, my childhood was rather messed up to be having dreams like that.  Minus the chameleon and overly human horse of course.

I told my mother and sibling yesterday that I still count calories, even on holidays and I was laughed at.  Now today, my sibling was brought to the hospital do to a small stomach rupture.  Yes, overeating is still counted on the holidays even if you think it isn't.  You can die from overeating, so if it's more than you would eat on a normal day, seriously do not do it.  Gluttony is bad for a reason, it causes you to be overweight, unattractive and sometimes even die do to your stomach bursting or your liver stops functioning from not being able to filter foods properly (mostly in the case of processed foods).  That's my science lesson and nag for the day.

I am going to be very busy in the next few days getting ready for the new job I landed.  I am ironically starting on the same day I started my first job, which isn't a bad thing.  It at least means I'll only have to file taxes for one state and as long as Master doesn't get a job until the New Year, I'll be fine on that as well.  I just need to remind myself sometime later tomorrow or the next day to call my old work and tell them my new address so that I can have my W-2 form shipped out to me since I've moved twice.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas Master

I don't celebrate Christmas in the religious sense, though I do celebrate it as the media holiday it has become in many countries, including Japan.  I like the idea of it being a romantic wintry holiday where a couple gives each other gifts of love and spend all night cuddling on the sofa, in bed or going on a romantic date.  This year I won't have the luxury of that, but I got to chat with Master from midnight to a good bit into the morning.  He has to go visit some family today, so he won't be around to chat with until later if at all.  I wasn't allowed to buy him a gift until I acquired a job and lucky me just did on Sunday.

Now I can't exactly send a gift this late seeing as it would be a New Years present by then, so I'll have to get him a virtual gift on +Gaia Online and a small new years present of some sort.  You might think it odd, though I follow a lot of Asian trends rather than my own countries.  I don't socialize normally, so you could ask me anything a normal person knows and I'll be rather confused as to what you're even speaking of.

For Christmas I received a gold handbag full of beauty products and makeup from my grandmother and a nice check from my grandfather.  They've been divorced long before I was born or my mother was out of school, so I've always had the luxury of getting presents from both of them.  It made up for the fact my father was their age and I couldn't exactly get presents from his family since they were long deceased.  My father's mother was alive until I was four, but she was a nasty old woman.  No gifts from her or holiday cheer, just grumpy meanness and she chopped up my things.

I asked Master for an "I love you" before heading off to bed at a rather odd hour, though I know I shouldn't have.  I couldn't help myself though.  He either didn't want to say it, didn't read my blog post where I asked him to start saying it every night or just didn't think of it.  I'm hoping it's number three seeing as I would like to think he reads these posts like he says he will and I'd also like to think that he still loves me very much.  I just adore hearing it and the only time I even mention or demand it anymore is when I'm going to bed.  I like to hear it before I go to sleep, it just makes me happy and feel a little bit safer about entering my dream world.  I'd say I love you every second of every day, though I know Master understands I love him very much and when I do it too much, he starts acting a bit annoyed with the repetitiveness.  That's when I decided that once a day is fair enough until we move back in together.  Then I'll make sure to say it when either of us go anywhere or when we fall asleep, hopefully beside each other.

I ended up getting to speak to Master for around a minute on the phone tonight.  I love being able to hear his voice and it just made me so happy.  I didn't get him to say "I love you" but he did reply "you too" when I said it, so it's good enough for now.  I have to assume their were family present because while some people and friends it's okay to tell we're together still, other people just don't need to know or they'd flip.  Mostly because they hate me do to being different and by different, I mean adorable and taking away their 'boy'.  I just can't wait to see him again and be able to cuddle him and kiss him and just drown in his scent.  I love everything about my Master and I miss him soooo much.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Down With Happy

Master is upset with me again.  He let me be his friend on something I've wanted to be friends on for a long time and then I abused the privilege within just a few hours.  He plays a game with one of the girls I don't like and I asked if I could switch places with her.  Instead of saying "no" or "let me think on it", he immediatley said goodnight and got mad when I asked again.  I knew that him just being friends with her was too good to be true.  He usually says that she is just a friend when I ask, but as of late he hasn't given that response.  He has probably decided that they're an item now and I'm just some sick and twisted idea of joke seeing as I'm his property.  He is even going there for his birthday and he'll probably end up sleeping with her, forgetting all about my existence completely even if she ends up being terrible in bed and can never love him like I do.

I'm nothing more than something to talk to in between pauses of him chatting with his friends, if even that.  For all I know I could just be taking his time away from his true friends and annoying him.  He probably only agreed to the obedience game to keep me quiet and from whining about wanting to see him again.  I think that I must be a really bad slave if he gets so upset with me.  I can't run without more proof than her character posting a sexual comment towards his every ten seconds seeing as his page doesn't have that feed, so I don't know if he does it back.  He even said he has no sexual desire anymore which means that he probably just doesn't have one towards me.  I honestly don't either, though my dreams haven't been that happy lately and they're mostly of Master betraying me for someone else or harming me in some way.

Maybe I should just start being happy with what Master gives me instead of begging so much.  It seems as of late I've began begging for everything I want from him all at once and I'm probably not only overwhelming him, but making him angry as well.  I've only been his pet again since October and his slave since late November, so I think that I might be trying to push things too far.  I just wanted to be his girlfriend on some game though, I don't know why that would make him so mad at me.  Though I did ask about being collared, getting a collar on +Gaia Online, having him call me so I can hear his voice and a few other tiny things, each getting slightly smaller and then going back up the scale as he said "I'll think about it" to each.  Now I'm afraid that I won't get anything for this holiday season, though it's not like I deserve it with my behavior as of this week.

Even if Master isn't as chatty as he use to be or as loving and hasn't even roleplayed in a week, I still need to try and behave.  I'm starting to become upset and depressed and just want to be loved and snuggled all the time.  I know that probably won't be happening now though and I'm sure with my actions I may never see him again.  He only cares about his wants and if mine don't match up, I end up getting shunned and treated like I'm a bad girl.  I might just not voice my wants or desires anymore and try my best to be happy and appreciate what little he does allow me.  I kind of got a bit uppity with him in a note after he logged off and I feel like I need to apologize for my actions.  I meant what I said, I just think I was being too blunt and shouldn't say those things to my Master's face.  So if you read this Master, I'm sorry for the note I left and I'm sorry for my begging.  I'm more than happy just being friends on that game until you decide that I've earned moving up in status.  I'm also very sorry for begging so much for a present of some sort.  I know even a virtual present with no monetary value is too much to be asking of my Master.  If Master had asked me what I wanted, it would be different, but that's not the case, so I'm apologizing for my actions.  All of my begging and repetitive asking for wants and desires was out of line and I know that now.

I just hope that you will be able to forgive me and allow me to stay friends.  If not, I will understand that I have stepped too far out of line.  I just beg of you to train me and keep me in line from now on instead of pushing me aside when I do something bad.  I asked this of you last time this happened and you said you would, but it happened again.  As my Master you signed a contract saying you would take care of my being and scold and praise me appropriately.  I just hope that you soon take the complete roll of Master and start scolding me instead of shunning.  I love you very much Master and I just hope you love me and only me too.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Feeling Alright

I woke up to terrible nightmares again.  I don't even think I had more than four hours of sleep this time and it just seems as though there is nothing that I can do about it.  I just want to be held and comforted by Master. I ended up taking a bunch of tiny naps throughout the day until my interview and when I got there, I ended up waiting a little over an hour to even be seen do to them being underhanded.  The manager was very nice, everything went well and he said I was hired!  That means out of three interviews in my life, I've nailed all three!  Tell me that isn't the best personality you've ever heard of?  Well you can't, because it is.  I'm just that fabulous and everyone shall know that someday.

Master is feeling really bad as of late and apparently he said he is really sick, out of it and feeling horribly icky in general.  I did my best to comfort him, though over the computer that is rather hard.  I really wish I was with him, don't call me messed up, by I think it's cute when he lays his head in my lap when he isn't feeling good.  It's not that I like him feeling bad, it's just he looks adorable doing it.  Plus I really want to pet his hair right now, this is the third time he's teased me with it in the last week.  He knows I just adore how soft his hair is and he had to comment that his hair was fluffy after getting out of the shower a few days ago.  That hair shall be mine to pet again someday.

So, I'm really rather tired right now, but I'm in a pretty good mood.  I think I even made a new friend at work even though I just got hired!  She seems to be around my age, though I'm not really sure.  I just hope she'll be someone to chat with and maybe make the time pass by a little.  I didn't ask the rate of pay, though minimum wage is decent here, so I'd be fine with that.  If I can get in enough hours and take call-offs then I'll have more than enough money to get by.  This week I just need to go look for pants, shoes and where to get a new card and photo ID.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Feeling Abandoned

So, Master has been rather distant now for about five days and each day he seems to want to talk to me less and less even though he only says a few words as it is.  I know it's the holidays an he's probably busy spending time with his family and friends, but I feel a little left out seeing as I thought as his possession he'd want to spend more time with me.  He spent a little bit of time with me the morning of Yule, but not so much after that.  I'm not sure if I've done something wrong or if he's just busy, but I decided to tell him he can contact me if he decides he wants to chat.  I'm his possession after all and it's his choice if he wants to speak to me some, if at all.  I just need to learn my place and be patient and wait for him to talk to me first even though that was discussed as one of the penalties if I lost the obedience game.

I really haven't had anyone to chat with as of late.  A few guys want to chat with me like always, but I know Master doesn't approve of that and they scare me a little anyways with all their advances.  I'm just so lonely I'm about ready to chat with anyone really.  If tomorrow goes well, I won't have time to chat with Master anymore so I won't feel so bad.  I'll still be upset that he's too busy for me, but if I nail this interview then I'll finally have a job to spend some of my time at.  For the rest of the time, to keep myself amused I have made a bucketlist to try and fulfill and a 43 Things account to work on all the ones that are smaller goals for 2013.

I've been keeping up with what I'm supposed to be doing.  Keep clean and ready for another one of Master's surprise inspections if that ever happens again.  I've been trying to be on my best manners and do as I am suppose to.  Master doesn't really text with me anymore and I don't have to worry about calling etiquette seeing as he doesn't answer his phone and I haven't spoken to him in over three weeks, about four weeks now actually.  I'll just have to be even more patient then I have before and try to understand that I'll have to live by what Master use to tell me every single time I wanted.  "You don't always get what you want," which in my case if never.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Feeling Lost

Master always gets so mad at me when I assume things, it's like I've committed a crime even though all I've done was have a thought.  People have thoughts every day and not all of them are correct, though I need to learn to better train myself so that I don't get scolded for my thoughts or just don't assume things in the first place.  I just really don't like it that instead of properly scolding me when I assume, Master yells shut up at me.  It just makes me cry and feel like I'm worthless and can't do anything right.  Now I know he'll never add me to anything of his, though when he yells shut up it's usually to defend himself and he had no real intention of speaking to me otherwise...

Nothing seems to be going right for me or even somewhat right for that matter.  Every day I just become more upset with life and the hand it's dealt me.  I may be pretty and have a nice personality, other people just seem to adore me, though even so I'm never good enough for my Master.  He said he'd keep track of what I do bad and I can earn back points / percent by being good, but I probably haven't done anything worth putting as good in his eyes and it's just a big tally chalked up with every itsy-bitsy thing I've done wrong.  He tells me I'm a good girl sometimes, but I don't know if that's really true.  I just feel...  like I don't belong anywhere anymore and that I've become a burden to Master...

I'd give anything for just one happy thought or action anymore.  All my happy dreams have turned to twisted nightmares with myself or someone I love dying in the most horrible ways imaginable or Master being taken from me by one of the girls he talks to, whom are all hideous which makes it worse.  My daily life is nothing but being yelled at, belittled and being a maid and cook for two pompous women who don't care about anyone or anything but themselves.  Master spends his days off somewhere else, leaving me to have no one to love or cuddle, though I get little response from him as it is.  He makes me feel loved sometimes, but other times I just end up feeling like all I do is burden him.  I honestly don't think anyone would really care or notice if I just disappeared.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Just A Bit Lonely

Well, today I woke up feeling pretty good even though I've been up and about since 07:00 which isn't usual for me.  I mean, it is usual, just not as of late.  I've been waking up past noon most of the time do to not being able to sleep or feeling sick.  I think after 28 hours of wondering where Master went to, I just finally passed out and slept like a baby, or well, more like a cat.  Either way, I had a good sleep and I'm ready to face the day even though I ended up eating cereal again this morning, which I told myself no to.

Master seems to be really busy lately, that or I've annoyed him and he's avoiding me like the plague...  I just hope it's the first, though Yule is tomorrow and I'd really enjoy spending some time with him.  I haven't heard his voice in more than three weeks and I'm starting to miss it badly.  I hope he'll let me call him later for even just a little bit, though I really doubt that will happen.

I'm in a contest on one of my +Gaia Online guilds and the theme for today was favorite memory.  I've always said my favorite memory was Valentines 2007 that I spent with Master.  Everything that happened that day seemed like out of a dream and I wish more than anything it could happen again.  I loved everything about it, even if the food was calorie coated and there was snow in my shirt, I was happier than I had ever been just throwing snowballs in the parking lot and cuddling with the one I love as we ate.  I really adore sitting in booths and Master sitting next to me, though he's only done that one other time in the last four years when we were out with friends and I was drunk, so it wasn't as magical, though that memory was just as nice seeing as everyone had more fun then we've ever had before.

Master, if you ever do read this blog, I'd really be happy if next time we go out together you sit in the booth next to me.  I love being able to cuddle when we're out together, it just makes everything feel much more romantic.  Everyone else can have their staring across the table at each other like idiots, watching the other person eat, but that's not how I like things.  Unless you have something of serious business to say to me, just sit next to me, wrap your arm around my waist like old times and randomly kiss me on the forehead between bites.  I promise I won't try to spill hot chocolate on your lap again. 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Sick and Tired

So, today I'm just as sick as I have been for a while now, if not worse.  It just seems that food is my enemy and sometimes I wish I didn't need to eat at all like those celestial and demonic / devil creatures in the Dungeons and Dragons games we play.  I'd probably be a lot skinnier if that were the case, though I don't really understand how that works.  I'm adding more foods to my list of foods I can't eat so that I'll hopefully start feeling better.  I'm also adding a penalty that if I do eat these foods, I'm not allowed to talk to Master for two hours for each food off the list I ate.  I had chips and cereal this morning around one and now I feel horrible, so I'm scolding myself.  I'd normally look for you when I wake up, but I'll just have to wait until 22:00 tonight instead...

I know I need to get on a schedule and I also now know that I need to try my best to either pick a very balanced meal or just have a health shake instead of randomly eating things.  I also really need to force myself to go to sleep before 01:00 no matter what.  Master said he doesn't know when I should go to bed and he'll probably never give an answer just like he doesn't train me.  I'm on my own, taking care of myself and trying my best to punish myself for small things I think are mess ups.  I wish that Master would be more into this, though I knew it wouldn't last for more than two or three days, it never has in the past.  He just wants to own someone and a reason to yell at me when I get upset about him flirting with girls.

So, I'm going to go play some Heralds of Chaos and then get a shake for dinner, most likely spending the rest of my night staring a the ceiling, wondering why I'm not good enough to train.  If my stomach can calm down long enough, I'll do some of the aerobics I found on YouTube.  They're really fun and I think I'd like to keep up at them every day, even if just for a little while.  So, here is to another day of self blogging that Master may eventually read.  He says he reads them, but I'm not sure.  If you read these Master, then I'd really like to hear "I love you" before bed every night.  You say it sometimes, but I really need to hear it all the time.  Anyways, have a good day without me bothering you.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Horrible Nightmares

I wasn't expecting to start today's blog this early in the morning, but I was awoke by the horrid feeling of not being able to breath and I threw up.  I went to bed before 01:00, by two minutes to be exact, though I couldn't fall soundly asleep do to my little companion making noises the entire time and having the nerv to come over to me and play with transformers on my head just as I fell asleep each time.  When I finally did get to sleep, I had a horrible sort of nightmares.  It might have all been the same dream seeing as I lost my speech in the first and didn't speak in the second either.

I dreamed that I was living with Master, the apartment was a rather nice one, just enough space for us, but nothing extra we didn't need.  It was decorated beautifully, I was skinny as could be, pretty as a picture and dressed to please.  I can't remember now why, but I had gone out for a while by myself, to fetch something I suppose as  I had a shopping bag with me when I returned.  Master was at work and had just gotten back before myself and as I lay the apartment key on the counter, I turn to see Master getting dressed in his normal clothes, just now buttoning his pants and a girl was sitting at the table just a few feet away.  I was enraged by this scene, immediately assuming the worst and just so seeing as he was getting dressed in front of the woman which means he was naked at one point.  Master looks up to see me and lets a friendly smile cross his lips for just a moment until he sees the one of utter hate and rage on mine.  His face terns stern as to scold me for looking at him like that, but then quickly terns to concern as I throw the bag on the floor and head to our bedroom closet and began to dig for something.  He immediately questions my behavior and I scream at him as loud as I possibly can, using every profanity I can think of.  I then proceed to pull out a case from the closet and a gun.  I hold it up to him and scream at him, demanding he tell me why there was some whore in our house.  She wasn't too pretty and she could have used some more clothes to say the least.  I felt anger and hate inside as we exchange yelling back and forth, him telling me to put down the gun and let him explain and me telling him there was nothing to explain and to shut up.  The girl intervened after what felt like a few minutes of screams and asked Master if she should go, only to call him by the name I call him.  My look of utter hate and rage turned to that of the most demonic hate I had ever known and I shot Master, square in the chest.  He jerked from the shot, the expression on his face that of pain, fear and confusion as he fell to the floor, bleeding out.  The girl immediately ran, though I didn't take chase I continued to scream at Master for a minute more, asking what I did to deserve being hurt again.  Asking what I did to deserve anything but affection, love and loyalty from him.  I then proceeded to shoot myself, ending in a white haze and waking up what seemed like a confusion of time and space in the hospital.

Now in the hospital, I look around confused and upset.  I don't know where I am, why I am there or what had happened to cause this.  I touch my head and it hurts badly on one side.  I look around only to see that there is some sort of wrapping partially in the way of my eye.  I brush at it to move it and feel that it's gauze and when I go to sit up, I become dizzy and weak and lay back down again.  I hear a nurse yell something out to the hall and as I try to make sense of everything, Master walks in and comes over to my side.  He is smiling at me as bright as ever and I do my best to smile back at him.  I try to open my mouth to ask him what happened and to my horror, I only get my mouth open half an inch, no more and nothing - absolutely nothing comes out.  I try and try again, the expression on my face turning to frustration and confusion.  I throw myself towards Master and he holds me close, comforting me as I began to soak his shirt with tears.  He tells me that it will be alright and that he is fine, though he is very angry with me and doesn't know when he won't be.  I'd understand this, but I can't remember why he was mad.  I look up at him, confused as can be and he looks back at me almost seeming to question my expression with his own.  I tap my throat as I had done in the past when I had a very bad cold and couldn't speak.  He stared at me confused for a second and then remembers, looking around for a moment and handing me the pad and pen on my nightstand.  I jot down my questioning of what I did and he becomes angry and almost yells, but takes a deep breath and goes to talking as he questions how I couldn't remember shooting him.  The look on my face is of horror, wondering how I could ever do something like that to him and I manage to mouth the word "what?".  He stares at me confused as ever and then a look of aha and confusion crosses his face.  I know he's thinking something, but I don't know exactly what.  He then proceeds to ask me if I remember a certain girl and I ponder a moment and shake my head.  He stops, thinking on this for a minute as if how to gauge his expression and then smiles only to tell me we had only met her once, it wasn't that important.

At this point, my conscious self knows that he had just served me the biggest lie he ever could.  The girl he had spoke of was the one who he had harmed me and cheated on me with years before and who he refused to stop speaking to as they were 'just friends'.  He didn't seem as mad now and told me to forget about the shot, that he had meant shot him with words, not literally and asked me how I was feeling and told me I had been unconscious for almost two months now.  The shot I had delivered missing his heart and had broken only a large cluster of veins and caused him great pain at impact.  He asked me a few more questions, each time smiling a little more and then began to ask them in ways that I wouldn't know they really pertained to things that had already happened.  I didn't remember him forgetting my birthday, him hurting me, him cheating or even our wedding. I had completely forgotten everything that was the three years of my life living with him.  He admitted we were married, though it was all my doing according to him and he made sure I knew our little one, who I did, though was a bit confused of their age.  He also asked me other dates that had meaning to me, though I knew what they were and happily told him so through my new voice, the pad and pen.  I had apparently taken out a portion of my brain with the shot, though not enough so of anything that could kill me.  I lost memories from the last four years, a few random things from my past and the nerves that connected to my speech and the lower half of my face. I wasn't deformed from this, just unable to get much expression across my face.  He kissed me and told me he'd be back and he came back the next day to take me home.

Once home, he made sure I was comfortable and said he wanted me to rest some more.  Though my conscious self knew that he was still enraged about the shooting, though happy I had come around and forgotten his dark secrets.  He took care of me, only leaving me to go to work and pick our little one from school.  One day he had come home and he asked me what I wanted, I don't know what holiday it was, though I simply wrote down in response nothing, his love, kisses and a promise that he wasn't chatting with any other girls.  I playfully stuck my tongue out the best I could as he read the last part, showing it was a joke, though his face looked as if he was hit with a wave of shame for something.  That night he went online and told the girl that he could no longer speak to her, that I needed him and he didn't want anything else this horrid to happen again.  Instead of letting her fight back on the subject as she would have seeing her self-centered personality, he immediately blocked her and closed his laptop.  He then went to our room, got into bed with me, cuddled up against me and kissed me softy on the cheek as I slept, me smiling back at him in my dreams.

I don't know if part of the dream was lost in my thought process or if it skipped over a bit.  I still could not speak in the next part and my head was still soar, though it now seemed that my family was visiting on vacation.  I woke in the middle of the night to get something, though I can't remember what, and as I grabbed at it, I fell out of bed into water.  I quickly began to grab up, though some force, whether it be my heavy, now soaked, clothes or something else, kept me from being able to completely get my head up.  I could take breaths for a second, though I took in water too and soon began to drown.  My mother and sister both tried to grab at me and pull me out, but as if I was incorporeal, their hands passed through me.  My little one wasn't even able to save me and Master was no where to be seen, just a dark smile on his face implanted in my brain as if he did this to me as the ceiling leaked and I continued to drown until I woke up.

When I woke up just a little before 04:00 this morning, I instantly jerked up and had a horrible time trying to breath.  My nose wasn't stuffed and there was nothing wrong with it, I just couldn't seem to breath in enough air to satisfy my lungs hunger for oxygen.  Not even a moment after I sat up, I began to puke and shivered as if feeling frozen, though the air was warm.  I now cannot get myself back to sleep from horror and shock of my dream.  As someone who studies things like this, I know what the meaning is and I didn't like it one bit.  I dreamed that someone (Master) had done something to harm me and I wanted it gone.  I also wanted something I had done gone.  That I would be happier to forget some things, remember others and that some people needed to be removed from the equation for us both to be happy together once more.  The last thing was somewhat the same, though a bit more vague, I was drowning in the past and that no one could save me.  So after sitting down and sorting this all through my head, I sort of wish there was a way to erase memories.  Even if I had to lose them all, the good and bad, if Master was there to help me choose the ones that make us both smile, things might not be so bad and I might not have so much sadness inside me.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Nom Nom Fatty

Alright, so every time I ask Master about training he either says he doesn't know, he can't sign into google to get on a pen or he dodges the question all-together.  So, I've decided that since he's not going to be training me anytime soon, I'll just have to use my best judgement when handling day-to-day basics and follow the rules to a t.  If this doesn't work, then I'll just have to keep begging for training until he gives in.

I fell like a terrible person right now, I really do.  I decided to eat a mint chocolate chip Klondike bar at three in the morning.  Who does that!?  A fatty, that's who.  I usually never eat and when I do, it's little nibbles here and there, but there are just some times when I feel... crappy, I guess.  Those times that I don't either, but if you hand me something, I'll eat it, no questions asked.  I usually turn down food, but nope.  My mother brought me lunch today and I ate all of it. *pinches stomach*  Bad slave, bad.  Now, to make up for having a fatty day, I'm going to catch up on absolutely every mini-challenge the group I just joined has had in the past.  I'm going to work up a sweat until I know not to put another ice cream in my mouth after 21:00!

I mean sure, yes I do look absolutely adorable eating sweets.  If I could I'd eat only sweets, but I can't eat them right before I go to bed.  It's just asking for trouble especially since I'm pretty sedentary.  I also shouldn't be staying up till 07:00, but Master really didn't seem to care for some reason.  He's slipping back into his old ways, so I'm just going to have to discipline myself until he's man enough to take care of me!  So, I made a list of foods I can't eat to keep myself reminded that they are no-no foods so I won't touch them.  I also am giving myself a bedtime of staying up no later than 01:00, even if Master is up.  Now off to burning my butt off!

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Felling Blue

I'm not sure why, but I've been rather sleepy lately.  It might be do to lack of a fixed sleep schedule still or lack of energy or maybe even depression.  I really haven't the slightest anymore and the month of December is half over and still not a spec of training.  I've read over the rules multiple times and I understand them all and remember about ten of them, though I can't site the wording by heart yet.  I guess my only option is to continue reading them until my eyes are soar or Master has some training for me.  November 30th was the last time you trained me and you gave me a small hint on something to which I can't recall a few days ago.  It wasn't anything important though otherwise I would have memorize it or written it down.

As you can see, or at least hear, I decided to add some music to my blog.  I thought it was pretty and music box songs don't take very long to load or too much space when looking at the blog with a slow computer.  I also have started adding gyaru dolls to my posts seeing as they look like me and it's fun to pixel the few I've made.  Most are from a collection of dolls from various chat websites that are in Japanese.  I'm probably going to continue using CSS codes to make this blog absolutely unique and so sickly adorable that it will have to put a smile on my face even when you can't.  Though, you already know I miss you more than I ever thought I could and the distance makes me feel like seeing you again would only be in my dreams. 

I don't know if you recall me saying so or not, but I made a new friend.  I call her ZomZom and she is my very best friend in the whole wide world.  That probably sounds silly to you, but I really like having her around.  We don't chat more than the one or two messages we send back and forth each day, though they are usually rather wordy and sometimes five or six large paragraphs.  She's the same age as me and we like almost all of the same things.  I say almost because I'm sure that there is something I like she doesn't, we just haven't run into that yet.  Though our personalities seem to be on the same page, so she might be my awesome special friend I've always been looking for even if we don't share the same birthday.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Worried Is All

Poor Master has a toothache along with his backache now and I'm not really sure he ever got over that cold.  Another day with no training, but I know that I can be a good girl for Master and live.  I've read over the Rules for Slave again so that I make sure it sticks in my brain.  I know that I've been having trouble with rule number nine "I will ask my Master for permission to satisfy whatever need I have before acting on it."  I haven't touched myself in a few days, so I think it might be getting stuck in my head, or at least I hope.

I really think I've been doing good on eating a little bit better since you scolded me.  I still can't manage to eat the recommended calories, but my intake has doubled so no more having a shake and six grapes for the entire day.  I hope you don't worry about me too much seeing as you're the one in bad health at the moment.  I might be a bit under the weather, but I really wish Master would 'waste' the money to go see a doctor.  Even if it's just minor problems, you know I want to see you happy and healthy.


Thank you for going to bed with me at a decent time last night, though I couldn't help but notice your online status tipped me off to the fact you were up again just three hours later.  You need to start trying to get more sleep instead of worrying about those ugly girls you chat with.  It's annoying for me to have to deal with Master being half out of it when he eventually gets online and not wanting to chat because he was up all late hours of the night talking to ladies.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Focused On CSS

I know that I should have probably been reading over rules or checking my brain for any misbehavior I have done today, but I didn't.  Instead I was busily and happily working on a custom layout for my Gaia Online profile.  I'm not sure if I'm going to have it done this weekend, but I hope so.  It's going to be super cute and one of my favorite colors.  If Master thinks this is an utter waste of time, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Another day without any training of any sort.  I understand Master has better things to do and because of this, I will do my best not to complain.  It's just hurting me when I am not able to do everything in my power to please my Master and if I'm not properly trained, it will end up being a burden on Master eventually.  I'm going to try my best to just go over the rules every day and make sure I'm doing the things you've already told me to do right.  I'll cross my fingers that you'll train me some more later, though I think I'm going to sign up for an etiquette class so that I can be more of a pleasing slave for you.

I have been waking up at really weird times of day lately and I don't really have much of a schedule right now do to lack of employment.  I promise I'm trying to get a job, things just aren't working out how they should be.  So if I could ask for anything in the way or training, orders or assignments I'd ask for a bedtime.  I really feel tired all the time and sluggish seeing as I don't have a set sleep schedule and it's driving me crazy.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Stressful Day

It was early this morning when I messaged Master, but he should know I already confessed to doing something bad.  I corrected myself and apologized and I hope this doesn't go against me.  I'm trying my hardest to be a good girl without your instruction and I think that I'm actually doing rather well.  I haven't broken any big rules or medium ones for that matter and all my issues have been minute infractions that you seem to have pardoned.  I just hope that I can stay your good girl until next Spring.

I would have broken a rule had I gone without permission, but since it isn't yet Friday, I thought it would be safe to still ask.  I'd really like to go to see +The Hobbit, though you should know that by now since I've been speaking about it non-stop for the past three weeks.  I even went to Denny's and ate their so-so food just to get a pack of trading cards.  It was my favorite book and one of my favorite cartoons as a child and I just can't wait to see this movie even if it's just part one out of three.

I have had no other issues with the rules and actually went over the rules list again last night.  I will probably go over it again sometime tomorrow if I'm not too busy obsessing over the fact that the movie came out.  The only other thing I can even think of that you may count as bad is I ended up soaking a pair of underwear from thinking about all the terrible things in the roleplay we were doing.  I honestly can't say why, but for some reason fantasy just makes my panties happy - sometimes a little too much so.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Obedience Game

I have missed Master very much in the last, almost three months, I have been living apart from him.  I've only seen him once in this amount of time and it's not very helpful to my sanity since I'm use to being by his side every day.  I know I will get to be with him again someday, but seeing as I can only be patient for so long, I convinced him to play a game with me where we both agreed on the terms, prize and penalties if I failed.  I like to call this the Obedience Game.

I have to obey Master's rule to the fullest and so anything and everything he asks of me for the next three months.  The game started on December 1st and will end on March 1st of 2013.  If I can keep in good favor with him and do everything he asks, keeping my behavior score at 100, then he will come to live with me once again.  Though this seems too easy and good to be true, there are penalties to this that make it into a game.  If I get anything below 100 as my score, he is going to roll his percent dice and if the score is in my favor, he will still move in with me.  This means if I have 99 as my score and he rolls a 1% then I lose.

Though since Master is a good person and he might actually be starting to miss me, he said that if I lose and my score is above 90, he will let me play the game again, though I have to incur most of the penalties.  I honestly don't have the option of losing or it will ruin me.  I'll be marked as a bad slave by having my privileges taken away from me and I won't be Master's favorite little pet anymore.  So for the sake of my sanity and my ego, I really have to win this.

The prize for winning this game is obvious, Master will be moving in with me.  The penalty for losing however is a bit more complex:

I am not allowed to receive any pleasure in any form that is for me alone.  If it happens as the result of pleasuring Master, then that does not count.
I am not allowed to use any of the money I earn or Master earns for anything besides needs for myself and others under Master's rule.  I will no longer be allowed to buy myself wants for any reason unless Master deems it allowed and I will never been allowed to buy myself desires.
I am not allowed to speak to Master in any way via text, e-mail or messenger first unless he notices and speaks to me.  Even then, I may only reply once and have to wait for him to reply again before saying anything else to him.
I am not allowed to hear Master's voice again until he decides it's the right time to move near me, which could be years from now.  This means that I am not allowed to speak to him on the phone or over any computer voice chat or game where I can hear him speaking.
Once Master finds another person that he wants to have as a slave, instead of being above them in rank as his favorite seeing as I have been with him the longest, have his child and he loves me, I will be on the same rank as the new slave and hold no privileges above them.

So as you can see, I need to win this to keep my sanity and keep from being thrown down in rank and happiness.  If everything goes well, I'll have Master by my side again sometime in March, hopefully shortly after the Obedience Game is over with.  I put up a little counter on the side of the site to keep track of how much longer there is to go as this keeps me amused and reminds me to behave.  Master won't tell me my current score, so I'm hoping that it's good.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Discipline Self

I know that Master hasn't been feeling that good lately and seems to be busy with his own life, so I've been trying my best to keep in line and not do anything that would cause Master upset or anger.  I haven't done anything against Master's rules lately and I am trying to read over the Rules for Slave list and memorize it.  I probably don't know it as well as I should.  I haven't been keeping up bodily appearances as much as you've asked and I do admit that I only shave once every four days, though I don't actually see Master and to me, this isn't an issue.

I'm trying to eat properly like asked so that I can stay healthy since my body is Master's property and I can't go about damaging it with junk and lack of eating.  I even started up a log of what I eat in case Master ever wants to check and see if I've remembered to eat.  Just don't freak out if there isn't anything on the current day, I promise everything that was put in my mouth will be logged down before midnight.  I can't make myself eat a normal amount of calories even if I try.  Too much just makes my stomach hurt and being sick is exactly what Master is trying to make me avoid.  I'm a skinny person by nature on the inside and food isn't exactly my friend in any aspect.  The foods I do really like are mostly healthy anyway.

Master hasn't been able to tell me anything lately about what he wants or what he needs.  I know that I probably shouldn't ask so much, but it would be nice to know so that I can please you better.  I'll try my best to do what I can on my own though.  I know I've at least been doing what I've been instructed to do pretty well, though I could improve a bit.  It's not that I've been out of line, I just need to do what I've been asked more often.  Once I have a nice place of my own, I'll start doing my best to do the things that Master asks of me, what little that may be.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Dearest Master

I am writing to tell you what I hope to get from being your obedient and loyal slave as asked.  I am happy that you have once again accepted me under your rule as the wonderful Master I know you are.  I know things have been out of sorts in the past, but I know that in my new role as your completely submissive slave, I will be able to be exactly what you expect me to be and nothing less.

First of all, I would like you to know what I expect of you as a Master.  I know that you read the underline and all of the other sections of The Contract of Voluntary Slavery that we both agreed to and signed, so you have a basic idea of what I'm asking.  I just want you to be the firm and loving Master that I need in my life.  I know you can be strict and keep on top of things when you want to and that's what I expect from you as a slave from now on.  I need you there to make the decisions for things and to tell me what to do, to show me what is expect, to keep rules in place and promptly punish me when I do things wrong.  One of the many reason I failed you the first time was because you were too lenient on rules, structure and keeping me in line.

I hope that I will be able to better learn to serve you under your rule as your slave.  This experience as being under your total control 24/7 will help me better understand your needs, wants and desires.  It will also better help me understand my own.  I know the difference between the three and I hope that Master does to so he will better know how to take care of me.  I gave my everything to Master and myself as a possession of his because I firmly believe that you will take good care of me.

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Needs

As your slave, I need you to do a few things for me.  They aren't things that you can just turn a cheek at and get away with it.  You may be the rule of me, but you won't hear the end of it if you neglect me.

Please remember that there is The Contract of Voluntary Slavery and Rules for Slave to uphold.  I will obey them just as much as you should.  Everything will go smoothly if everyone plays their part and takes this relationship as a serious investment.
I need a Master who always considers my thoughts and feelings before doing anything.  You never have to ask permission for something, so please think before you act.  You could end up causing me stress, upset or shame if you don't.
I also need you to make sure to always tell me the truth about everything, no matter how tiny or big the issue is.  If you honestly can not tell me something for one reason or another, please say this so that I know you aren't lying to me.
I need for you to be firm and loving with me every moment of every day. I am a submissive girl at heart, but I know that I do tend to act up if upset, even if the reason is silly.  I need you to be a very dominate Master who makes sure to take everything into there own hands.
Whenever I say the safety word, I need you to stop whatever it is that you are doing.  I am never going to use this word lightly and if I say it then you either will be doing something unforgivable if you don't stop or you already have harmed me badly.

Wants

There are things as a slave that I would like to have in this relationship that aren't needed in the least, but would make me very happy.

I would be more than happy if you could make sure to take time out of your day to just sit and chat with me like you usually do.  I need to hear something from you, whether it be some light chatting on IM or your voice for a few minutes on a phone call.  When we live together again this won't be much of an issue, but right now being separated makes me lonesome and long to be near you.
I'd like it very much if you could train me a little bit every day until we meet up again.  I'd like to be the best that I can be for you and training me helps and reminds me to write down things that I know you'll be happy with.
I would very much appreciate it if you didn't call me vulgar names when I'm bad or my birth name, as you know both greatly upset me.
If you could try to remember at least a few special dates of ours, that would make me very happy as well.  Even if it's just a silly one or something easy to remember like our wedding anniversary.
To be told that I'm loved.  Hearing Master say "I love you" makes my heart flutter and it would be wonderful if he could start saying it before we go to bed or when he thinks I deserve to hear it.

Desires

Anything and everything that I could ever desire are just those, desires that do not need to be met in any way, though they are big and sometimes impractical wishes from the bottom of my heart.  Things that would make this D/s relationship everything any girl could dream or and more would be as follows.

Nothing seems more amusing to me than exploring fetishes and I would greatly appreciate it if we could try out everything that comes to mind together.  Even if something sounds horrible, gross, silly or just plain weird.
Master remembering my birthday and getting me presents on special days and when I've been really good or just because he loves me.  I know that Master never has to get me anything or praise me even, but it would make me a very happy slave.
I would really love it if Master would take me out on dates at least once a month.  I know going out is expensive and sometimes rather silly, but it makes me happy to be shown off in public with such a handsome man.  This costing money and being a public activity is why I think it is more of a desire than anything else.
I would also be ecstatic if Master would collar me someday.  I know that I owned a collar in the past as a pet, but I would like to actually have the rite of being collared when Master and I have finally became a perfect match.  I promise if this ever happened, I would take the utmost care of my collar and make sure to serve Master beyond his expectations.
The last thing and the one that is the most impractical of desires is for Master to stop contacting his online-only female friends.  It's painful to watch you waste your time away with girls who even though Master says their friends, they get better treatment than I do.  I would be over the moon with joy if this is something that ever happened and I know it's just a fantasy, but it really would make me overjoyed.  I do not care about real life friends who you speak to and that they know I exist, that has never bothered me.  The ones who do not know or do not care and you only speak to virtually and have never met, don't really deserve the treatment they receive and shouldn't be on a friends list.

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Anytime from now on there is a yellow, blue or pink icon or color code on a post, it means that it is either a need, want or desire and stresses the urgency that Master needs to read it.  Yellow being a need, blue being a want and lovely pink being a desire.  Everything listed here is exactly as a I mean it and nothing less.  These are all the major needs, wants and desires I have as a slave.  If Master ever wishes to know more about any of the three, he only simply needs to ask.  I know we have the rest of our lives together and I hope that every day from now on will be ruled over with love and discipline that will make me understand and love you and myself more than I already do.