Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Horrible Nightmares

I wasn't expecting to start today's blog this early in the morning, but I was awoke by the horrid feeling of not being able to breath and I threw up.  I went to bed before 01:00, by two minutes to be exact, though I couldn't fall soundly asleep do to my little companion making noises the entire time and having the nerv to come over to me and play with transformers on my head just as I fell asleep each time.  When I finally did get to sleep, I had a horrible sort of nightmares.  It might have all been the same dream seeing as I lost my speech in the first and didn't speak in the second either.

I dreamed that I was living with Master, the apartment was a rather nice one, just enough space for us, but nothing extra we didn't need.  It was decorated beautifully, I was skinny as could be, pretty as a picture and dressed to please.  I can't remember now why, but I had gone out for a while by myself, to fetch something I suppose as  I had a shopping bag with me when I returned.  Master was at work and had just gotten back before myself and as I lay the apartment key on the counter, I turn to see Master getting dressed in his normal clothes, just now buttoning his pants and a girl was sitting at the table just a few feet away.  I was enraged by this scene, immediately assuming the worst and just so seeing as he was getting dressed in front of the woman which means he was naked at one point.  Master looks up to see me and lets a friendly smile cross his lips for just a moment until he sees the one of utter hate and rage on mine.  His face terns stern as to scold me for looking at him like that, but then quickly terns to concern as I throw the bag on the floor and head to our bedroom closet and began to dig for something.  He immediately questions my behavior and I scream at him as loud as I possibly can, using every profanity I can think of.  I then proceed to pull out a case from the closet and a gun.  I hold it up to him and scream at him, demanding he tell me why there was some whore in our house.  She wasn't too pretty and she could have used some more clothes to say the least.  I felt anger and hate inside as we exchange yelling back and forth, him telling me to put down the gun and let him explain and me telling him there was nothing to explain and to shut up.  The girl intervened after what felt like a few minutes of screams and asked Master if she should go, only to call him by the name I call him.  My look of utter hate and rage turned to that of the most demonic hate I had ever known and I shot Master, square in the chest.  He jerked from the shot, the expression on his face that of pain, fear and confusion as he fell to the floor, bleeding out.  The girl immediately ran, though I didn't take chase I continued to scream at Master for a minute more, asking what I did to deserve being hurt again.  Asking what I did to deserve anything but affection, love and loyalty from him.  I then proceeded to shoot myself, ending in a white haze and waking up what seemed like a confusion of time and space in the hospital.

Now in the hospital, I look around confused and upset.  I don't know where I am, why I am there or what had happened to cause this.  I touch my head and it hurts badly on one side.  I look around only to see that there is some sort of wrapping partially in the way of my eye.  I brush at it to move it and feel that it's gauze and when I go to sit up, I become dizzy and weak and lay back down again.  I hear a nurse yell something out to the hall and as I try to make sense of everything, Master walks in and comes over to my side.  He is smiling at me as bright as ever and I do my best to smile back at him.  I try to open my mouth to ask him what happened and to my horror, I only get my mouth open half an inch, no more and nothing - absolutely nothing comes out.  I try and try again, the expression on my face turning to frustration and confusion.  I throw myself towards Master and he holds me close, comforting me as I began to soak his shirt with tears.  He tells me that it will be alright and that he is fine, though he is very angry with me and doesn't know when he won't be.  I'd understand this, but I can't remember why he was mad.  I look up at him, confused as can be and he looks back at me almost seeming to question my expression with his own.  I tap my throat as I had done in the past when I had a very bad cold and couldn't speak.  He stared at me confused for a second and then remembers, looking around for a moment and handing me the pad and pen on my nightstand.  I jot down my questioning of what I did and he becomes angry and almost yells, but takes a deep breath and goes to talking as he questions how I couldn't remember shooting him.  The look on my face is of horror, wondering how I could ever do something like that to him and I manage to mouth the word "what?".  He stares at me confused as ever and then a look of aha and confusion crosses his face.  I know he's thinking something, but I don't know exactly what.  He then proceeds to ask me if I remember a certain girl and I ponder a moment and shake my head.  He stops, thinking on this for a minute as if how to gauge his expression and then smiles only to tell me we had only met her once, it wasn't that important.

At this point, my conscious self knows that he had just served me the biggest lie he ever could.  The girl he had spoke of was the one who he had harmed me and cheated on me with years before and who he refused to stop speaking to as they were 'just friends'.  He didn't seem as mad now and told me to forget about the shot, that he had meant shot him with words, not literally and asked me how I was feeling and told me I had been unconscious for almost two months now.  The shot I had delivered missing his heart and had broken only a large cluster of veins and caused him great pain at impact.  He asked me a few more questions, each time smiling a little more and then began to ask them in ways that I wouldn't know they really pertained to things that had already happened.  I didn't remember him forgetting my birthday, him hurting me, him cheating or even our wedding. I had completely forgotten everything that was the three years of my life living with him.  He admitted we were married, though it was all my doing according to him and he made sure I knew our little one, who I did, though was a bit confused of their age.  He also asked me other dates that had meaning to me, though I knew what they were and happily told him so through my new voice, the pad and pen.  I had apparently taken out a portion of my brain with the shot, though not enough so of anything that could kill me.  I lost memories from the last four years, a few random things from my past and the nerves that connected to my speech and the lower half of my face. I wasn't deformed from this, just unable to get much expression across my face.  He kissed me and told me he'd be back and he came back the next day to take me home.

Once home, he made sure I was comfortable and said he wanted me to rest some more.  Though my conscious self knew that he was still enraged about the shooting, though happy I had come around and forgotten his dark secrets.  He took care of me, only leaving me to go to work and pick our little one from school.  One day he had come home and he asked me what I wanted, I don't know what holiday it was, though I simply wrote down in response nothing, his love, kisses and a promise that he wasn't chatting with any other girls.  I playfully stuck my tongue out the best I could as he read the last part, showing it was a joke, though his face looked as if he was hit with a wave of shame for something.  That night he went online and told the girl that he could no longer speak to her, that I needed him and he didn't want anything else this horrid to happen again.  Instead of letting her fight back on the subject as she would have seeing her self-centered personality, he immediately blocked her and closed his laptop.  He then went to our room, got into bed with me, cuddled up against me and kissed me softy on the cheek as I slept, me smiling back at him in my dreams.

I don't know if part of the dream was lost in my thought process or if it skipped over a bit.  I still could not speak in the next part and my head was still soar, though it now seemed that my family was visiting on vacation.  I woke in the middle of the night to get something, though I can't remember what, and as I grabbed at it, I fell out of bed into water.  I quickly began to grab up, though some force, whether it be my heavy, now soaked, clothes or something else, kept me from being able to completely get my head up.  I could take breaths for a second, though I took in water too and soon began to drown.  My mother and sister both tried to grab at me and pull me out, but as if I was incorporeal, their hands passed through me.  My little one wasn't even able to save me and Master was no where to be seen, just a dark smile on his face implanted in my brain as if he did this to me as the ceiling leaked and I continued to drown until I woke up.

When I woke up just a little before 04:00 this morning, I instantly jerked up and had a horrible time trying to breath.  My nose wasn't stuffed and there was nothing wrong with it, I just couldn't seem to breath in enough air to satisfy my lungs hunger for oxygen.  Not even a moment after I sat up, I began to puke and shivered as if feeling frozen, though the air was warm.  I now cannot get myself back to sleep from horror and shock of my dream.  As someone who studies things like this, I know what the meaning is and I didn't like it one bit.  I dreamed that someone (Master) had done something to harm me and I wanted it gone.  I also wanted something I had done gone.  That I would be happier to forget some things, remember others and that some people needed to be removed from the equation for us both to be happy together once more.  The last thing was somewhat the same, though a bit more vague, I was drowning in the past and that no one could save me.  So after sitting down and sorting this all through my head, I sort of wish there was a way to erase memories.  Even if I had to lose them all, the good and bad, if Master was there to help me choose the ones that make us both smile, things might not be so bad and I might not have so much sadness inside me.