Friday, December 21, 2012

Feeling Lost

Master always gets so mad at me when I assume things, it's like I've committed a crime even though all I've done was have a thought.  People have thoughts every day and not all of them are correct, though I need to learn to better train myself so that I don't get scolded for my thoughts or just don't assume things in the first place.  I just really don't like it that instead of properly scolding me when I assume, Master yells shut up at me.  It just makes me cry and feel like I'm worthless and can't do anything right.  Now I know he'll never add me to anything of his, though when he yells shut up it's usually to defend himself and he had no real intention of speaking to me otherwise...

Nothing seems to be going right for me or even somewhat right for that matter.  Every day I just become more upset with life and the hand it's dealt me.  I may be pretty and have a nice personality, other people just seem to adore me, though even so I'm never good enough for my Master.  He said he'd keep track of what I do bad and I can earn back points / percent by being good, but I probably haven't done anything worth putting as good in his eyes and it's just a big tally chalked up with every itsy-bitsy thing I've done wrong.  He tells me I'm a good girl sometimes, but I don't know if that's really true.  I just feel...  like I don't belong anywhere anymore and that I've become a burden to Master...

I'd give anything for just one happy thought or action anymore.  All my happy dreams have turned to twisted nightmares with myself or someone I love dying in the most horrible ways imaginable or Master being taken from me by one of the girls he talks to, whom are all hideous which makes it worse.  My daily life is nothing but being yelled at, belittled and being a maid and cook for two pompous women who don't care about anyone or anything but themselves.  Master spends his days off somewhere else, leaving me to have no one to love or cuddle, though I get little response from him as it is.  He makes me feel loved sometimes, but other times I just end up feeling like all I do is burden him.  I honestly don't think anyone would really care or notice if I just disappeared.