Monday, December 24, 2012

Down With Happy

Master is upset with me again.  He let me be his friend on something I've wanted to be friends on for a long time and then I abused the privilege within just a few hours.  He plays a game with one of the girls I don't like and I asked if I could switch places with her.  Instead of saying "no" or "let me think on it", he immediatley said goodnight and got mad when I asked again.  I knew that him just being friends with her was too good to be true.  He usually says that she is just a friend when I ask, but as of late he hasn't given that response.  He has probably decided that they're an item now and I'm just some sick and twisted idea of joke seeing as I'm his property.  He is even going there for his birthday and he'll probably end up sleeping with her, forgetting all about my existence completely even if she ends up being terrible in bed and can never love him like I do.

I'm nothing more than something to talk to in between pauses of him chatting with his friends, if even that.  For all I know I could just be taking his time away from his true friends and annoying him.  He probably only agreed to the obedience game to keep me quiet and from whining about wanting to see him again.  I think that I must be a really bad slave if he gets so upset with me.  I can't run without more proof than her character posting a sexual comment towards his every ten seconds seeing as his page doesn't have that feed, so I don't know if he does it back.  He even said he has no sexual desire anymore which means that he probably just doesn't have one towards me.  I honestly don't either, though my dreams haven't been that happy lately and they're mostly of Master betraying me for someone else or harming me in some way.

Maybe I should just start being happy with what Master gives me instead of begging so much.  It seems as of late I've began begging for everything I want from him all at once and I'm probably not only overwhelming him, but making him angry as well.  I've only been his pet again since October and his slave since late November, so I think that I might be trying to push things too far.  I just wanted to be his girlfriend on some game though, I don't know why that would make him so mad at me.  Though I did ask about being collared, getting a collar on +Gaia Online, having him call me so I can hear his voice and a few other tiny things, each getting slightly smaller and then going back up the scale as he said "I'll think about it" to each.  Now I'm afraid that I won't get anything for this holiday season, though it's not like I deserve it with my behavior as of this week.

Even if Master isn't as chatty as he use to be or as loving and hasn't even roleplayed in a week, I still need to try and behave.  I'm starting to become upset and depressed and just want to be loved and snuggled all the time.  I know that probably won't be happening now though and I'm sure with my actions I may never see him again.  He only cares about his wants and if mine don't match up, I end up getting shunned and treated like I'm a bad girl.  I might just not voice my wants or desires anymore and try my best to be happy and appreciate what little he does allow me.  I kind of got a bit uppity with him in a note after he logged off and I feel like I need to apologize for my actions.  I meant what I said, I just think I was being too blunt and shouldn't say those things to my Master's face.  So if you read this Master, I'm sorry for the note I left and I'm sorry for my begging.  I'm more than happy just being friends on that game until you decide that I've earned moving up in status.  I'm also very sorry for begging so much for a present of some sort.  I know even a virtual present with no monetary value is too much to be asking of my Master.  If Master had asked me what I wanted, it would be different, but that's not the case, so I'm apologizing for my actions.  All of my begging and repetitive asking for wants and desires was out of line and I know that now.

I just hope that you will be able to forgive me and allow me to stay friends.  If not, I will understand that I have stepped too far out of line.  I just beg of you to train me and keep me in line from now on instead of pushing me aside when I do something bad.  I asked this of you last time this happened and you said you would, but it happened again.  As my Master you signed a contract saying you would take care of my being and scold and praise me appropriately.  I just hope that you soon take the complete roll of Master and start scolding me instead of shunning.  I love you very much Master and I just hope you love me and only me too.