Thursday, February 28, 2013

Last Day...

Today is the last day of the obedience game and I'm nervous.  I know I shouldn't be since overall I have really improved and been a good girl.  I'm just afraid that Master doesn't see it that way and that he'll go back on his word even more so if I actually win tomorrow.  He just had surgery yesterday too so I don't want to pester him about something like this.  I just hope he feels better soon.

On another note I have so much to do right now and so little money that I just feel like breaking down.  I need financial help badly and I'm trying to sell off everything Master didn't buy me to make a little rent money.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Losing it...

I'm still feeling the horrible ache of being unwanted and unloved right now.  Sure Master tried his best a couple days ago to tell me I'm loved, but I don't feel it.  He was only affectionate for one day and then went back to his normal, unloving, uncaring self who puts me on hold.  I just wish I wasn't in love sometimes because of how much it hurts and how much I'm starting to feel like it's not worth it.  Sure Master is the person I want, but he doesn't seem to want me.  I even told him I oogled someone else and he doesn't see why he should care.  I think he really just is in love with that other girl and doesn't give a crap about me.  I'm starting to hate myself again.  I'm going to bed before I start throwing a tantrum and scream at him for being such a horrible husband and Master.

On another note, Master said that he might visit soon, though I'm sure that's just a sick tease like everything else he says to me.  I don't know why he bothers saying stuff like that when he knows I'll just get upset when it doesn't happen or it happens a really long time from now.  He might just like seeing me upset.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Almost Over...

Just six more days and the three month long obedience game is over.  I've done all that I can do in the way of bettering myself and being good, now I just have to leave everything to chance and hope.  I've been stressing myself out and working my poor body as hard as I can to move heavy boxes and furniture on my own.  I somehow got a six foot tall, rather heavy curio / television cabinet up the stairs and into my apartment, but my hands and back hurt now.  Not only that, but I come home and Master is just getting offline as I'm getting on.  It's just such a bad day I want to cry, go to bed and hope that I never wake up.

I'm not even finished with the bad though because now I have to wake up early in the morning to open at work for my first time and I didn't make it to turn in some papers on time.  I just want someone to hold me tight and kiss me on the forehead.  I don't know why that's so much to ask for, but it seems to be so.  I just feel so unloved, unwanted and worthless right now.  I have no one to help me, take care of me or even comfort me anymore.  I feel like a mistake that should have never happened in the first place.  I'm sure everyone would be much happier that way.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Flustered...

My feelings have been very mixed up lately.  There is less than two weeks left of the obedience game, but I'm not really sure of the prize.  If I win, I suppose it's that Master will live with me again someday, but he refuses to admit he said shortly after the game was over.  Even if I do win, it won't be much of a victory if I still have to wait months or years just to be with him again.  I'm a very sensitive and needy creature, I can't wait out for Master as long as he wants me to.  I need someone who can take care of me, love me and hold me in his arms.  I'm someone who needs affection from another person to be happy and if the person I'm with isn't willing to give that, then... I don't think it's going to work.

I'm tired of long-distance relationships.  I already had one for a year and a half and it was too stressful to the point I was about ready to give up if we hadn't moved in together.  A year separate at most and then I'm backing out of the contract for the first reason I can find, even if I have to break the contract myself.  I'm even moving into my new apartment tomorrow and I made sure it was one that was big enough for all of us and that the codes allowed Master to bring his cat.  If Master decides that he doesn't want to stick to his word or if I lose, there was no point in doing so.  If Master hasn't shown any sign of commitment to me as a slave by March 1st, then well... I think I'm just going to have to push him out of my thoughts so as not to be in anymore pain than I already am.

I've been on the best behavior I can muster.  I've been my true self and nothing less, I've shown Master how I really feel about everything and I've made sure to listen to all his demands and follow through with them to the best of my ability.  I've even been bettering my health like he wanted.  If all of that doesn't help me win, then I have no idea what would have.  I've been loyal, loving, caring and I've done my best to even back off a little and not call him, not skype him or anything like that because I know he doesn't like phones, even though I want to hear his voice and see his face badly.  I've even done my best to not complain about his other woman as much even though I want her gone now.  If I win and he moves to Florida to be with her... I'm just going to shut down, back off and give up completely.  Love isn't worth fighting for when the other person has no brain, let alone a heart.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Valentine's Day Master!

So, today is Valentine's Day and I'm so happy!  Master spent time chatting with me and I bought him some candies and got him a card to show him how much I love him.  I don't think he got it in the mail yet though and that makes me really sad...  None of my presents make it there on time and I just don't know what to do.  I should probably start taking advantage of the stores starting holidays a month early and just send them at that time with a 'do not open till' sticker on the front.  I'm not sure if Master would listen, but he might.

I got new glasses today!  They help me see and were really great for about ten minutes... but now I feel as if I'm dizzy as can be and want to throw up.  I haven't worn glasses in a few months and it's painful to now.  It's nice to be able to read again.  I'm clinically blind now and have a very high prescription which makes me sad... but at least they can help me.  I just hope that things don't get worse soon or I won't be able to see even with glasses.  I was told it's because of the color of my eyes.  Blue eyes are really bad with the sun and since I love living in sunnier places, I'm going to end up blind sooner than most.

I didn't ask Master... so he might be mad, but I bought a teapot and some tea cups today.  I've always wanted my own little tea set that I could use and I finally bought one.  Maintaining it will be the only issue since they're hand wash only.  The teapot is white and very small and the cups are red and really really big.  It's kind of silly, but I really love them.  I saw a real tea set at Macy's that I fell in love with, but the cups were $25 a piece and I didn't even dare look at the price on the teapot.  That is something I'd have to buy one piece at a time and pray the set didn't change out before I finished.  I'll have to tell Master about my fumble though so he doesn't get too mad with me for telling him late.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Do I Have To Get Up...?

I didn't even want to get out of bed today...  I just don't really feel myself and I wanted to sleep in after last night, but I can't.  Master was very mean to me and treated me poorly in favor of that other girl again.  He also rudely snapped at me as to why he can't date someone else and I pointed out it's in the contract he signed and he was fine with it when he signed it, but I guess not anymore.  It's not like I shouldn't have expected this with how horrible his attitude has been declining the past month.  He already favors this girl more and does anything she tells him to like a puppet, so I see no reason for him not to want to be with her.

So much to do today to try and keep my mind off of it though.  I need to go get all the services for my apartment set up including renter's insurance.  I need to pick up some things from the grocery store and get a bunch of other things in line.  I almost forgot, I have to go get my new Food Handler's card as well.  So lots to do to take up my second half of the day, for now I just need to get the sleep out of my eyes and maybe lay in the tub and think for a while.  It's always nice to be able to just relax in a bath tub and figure out things.

So, I'm guessing Master has someone else for Valentine's this year.  It's not like I can blame him, she lives closer now.  That's the only good quality about her though.  He already threatened to break our contract when I spoke up about how I don't like being treated less than her.  If he wants her more than me, then he can have her.  It's not like I'm needed anyways seeing as I'm just some person a few thousand miles away that he hasn't seen in months.  Not to mention he hasn't even touched me once since signing the contract with me.  It's like I'm not even a toy that's been tossed aside, I'm just one he never decided to play with at all.

It's lonely sleeping by myself every night and having no one to hug or kiss me.  Master only says he loves me when I'm being good... it's more like he loves my actions and not me at all.  If I'm good and stay out of the way and out of his business, he can date behind my back and continue to treat me like nothing.  I want to make Master happy with me, but he just always gets mad instead.  Maybe I'm just worthless and not really good enough for him.  Maybe I'm not worthy of being called his precious chattel.  Maybe I'm just a worthless thing that he doesn't really need anymore.  I just wanted a little better treatment and he bites my head off...  It's like I'm lower than a slave, I'm dirt or something.  I'm not sure if doting on Master and trying to make him happy is worth destroying myself.  He just wants me to be an emotionless husk and that makes me sad.  I know he said it wasn't my feelings, but my delusions that make him angry.  It's not a delusion when it's true and right there in front of everyone's playing view.  He just wants to use excuses to try and bring me down, but I'm not stupid enough to fall for those and I never have been.  If he wants to cheat and treat someone like crap, then he should have found someone else because he should know by now I don't take that from anyone.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Cranky

Normally I would be busy at this moment, but I'm just too flustered to pack right now.  I just need to get out a good rant so that I'll be able to concentrate on work.  Master was very rude to me last night when I didn't deserve it.  He was online chatting with other people and didn't even bother to respond to me for over two hours.  Then when I go to say goodnight and point out how rude it was that he just looked at my post, he said he was in the bathroom.  Facebook doesn't just randomly post "Seen at time" to be jerks, Master wasn't in the bathroom and if he had time to look at a post and ignore it for ten minutes, he had time to reply to it as well.  He tried to play the card that I'm just going back into my overly touchy and paranoid mode when 1) I wasn't being paranoid about anything and 2) I was pissed because he has the time to post up a M:TG cards he made, but not say goodnight to me.

He gives too many excuses now and he is the one who is reverting back into his bad habits, not me.  If he wants to act how he use to, then fine.  I don't want a Master who treats me like the problem and ends a conversation by signing off anyways.  I cannot believe he threw such a hissy over me just pointing out he ignored me for hours on end.  He knows how angry it makes me when he signs off or stops talking after making a childish comment.  If he wants to chat, he knows how to get a hold of me.  I am too busy to deal with people who can't act their age right now.  I honestly thought he meant it when he said he'd be a better Master from now on, but guess I'm still the only one mature enough to keep what I say.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Happy Lunar New Year!

So, for the first time ever, I haven't posted in a few days.  Why is this?  Because I'm very very busy with things in the real world right now.  I'm moving here in ten days, I've been working now and I have lots of other things on my plate from getting the little one into preschool, perfecting the bus schedule, budgeting like a mad woman and trying to get any help available.  Also trying to figure out a lasting grocery list, thinking on how to get the things I need that aren't food and sending out Valentines.

So, it's the year of the snake.  Do I personally know any snakes?  No idea.  The only people who matter are Master who is a horse, little one is a rat and I am a sheep.  My mother is a tiger, and my younger sibling is an ox, which my father also was.  I don't really know anyone else who are the other signs, but that's okay.  I do know one monkey, but that's the girl I hate, so by default I don't like monkeys.  Anyways ~ I hope everyone has a wonderful Lunar New Year and you get lots of good food!  I'm going to make some stuff myself and have a traditional candy tray.  The little one's grandparents sent money at the funniest time since it's the Lunar New Year, but we'll be sending it back since they aren't welcome in our life and I don't want them to say we owe them anything.

On another note, I'll only be blogging every few days from now on, about three times a week to be exact.  I might have to nudge that down to just two later, but I'm trying to still get my daily events and thoughts all out somewhere so I don't get upset and annoyed like I was the other night.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Sleepy Days


Woke up at the same time that I have been for a while now.  Not sure why, but early morning is my new 'rise and shine' which really isn't a bad thing.  I was going to take care of a few things today, but that didn't work out and tomorrow probably won't either with the family's schedule.  I really really need to get things done though and no one seems to understand that.  This place is in a bad local seeing as there is no bus for a 15 minute walk.  I can't wait to move into my new apartment on the 20th.  I just need to ask around and figure out when to get my bus pass and if I can manage to get health insurance.  They apparently have a 50% off bus pass for the month if you can show them a government health card.

So, I asked Master if I could have some money for shopping either tomorrow or the next day along with asking for a purse.  He said yes to both, which made me really happy.  I just have to try and quickly, but carefully check over the entire store for Lolita items or items that can be used in such a way.  It's always hard to find things in normal places or cheap that fit the Lolita profile.  The purse is brand, Angelic Pretty, and will be my first brand item.  I'm ecstatic and can't wait for it to get here.  The person lives in the USA, so hopefully it won't take more than a week at most.

I promised Master I won't beg for anymore brand, but I probably will end up asking (not really begging) to at least visit BTSSB for my birthday much later in the year.  I know BTSSB and AP don't always mix, but there are a few things they have that I just dream of owning some day.  That and if money is really hard, I could always just buy an alice bow.  I just need all of my coordinates to have at least one brand item so I don't feel silly.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Freedom

So I didn't sleep last night.  I was too busy chatting with Master into the morning about various things and giving him artwork of my characters to make into Magic: The Gathering spoof cards.  He actually did a rather nice job and I love them very much.  This is my favorite one that he made for me.  It looks just like me and the puppy is cute enough that I'd have to say it's okay to be holding it, though I'm not a dog person.

I really wanted to pass out around one in the afternoon, but I knew I had things to do today.  My mother threw a tantrum the other night that she wanted me out now because she couldn't stand me anymore.  All she had to do was ask me to leave, I've told her this at least thirty times now.  Just ask and I'll be gone.  So seeing as this tantrum was took as asking, I immediatley found a place, called and sealed the deal as of today.  The whole time this went on my mother was dumbfounded that I'm competent.  I'm not dumb, I never have been.  I'm just as smart as my father and just as driven to boot with every skill of his in finances, business and persuasion.  I was just trying to save up a little more money before running off on my own, this works fine too.  Now she is complaining about she is going to be lonely without me and little one.  Shouldn't have opened your mouth then, if you tell me to leave, I'm not staying and I won't ever come back.  Master should be able to attest to that.  I've had the money and resources to up and leave back to where Master lives and stay with him, but I haven't and I'm never going to.  If he wants me back, he'll have to come here.

So I got my new place!  I'm rather excited and can't wait to move in.  I gave myself two weeks between now and move in day so that I could have all my things properly sorted and packed.  I also wanted some time to have everything set up, compare prices on insurance and maybe think on getting one of those scary, metal death machines people call a car.  I'm still afraid of them and think I'll just be getting a bike here down the road.  Bikes are my favorite transportation after all and I would love one very much.  I have to get a metro pass though so that I can get to work as this apartment is on the opposite side of the city.

I'm just so excited I can hardly contain myself.  The apartment I picked is even a three person and one pet maximum, so Master and his cat can move here if he decides to.  Sure I'll have to front another $226 to put them on the lease, but it will be worth it.  I'll be looking for another job closer to the apartments as well so that I will be able to have it easy during the week.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Missing You

I don't know why, but I honestly can't take this pain in my chest anymore.  I've been doing my best to do anything and everything Master has asked of me, even before I left his side.  I only left because it was what he wanted me to do.  He didn't want me to be around anymore, so I left.  I only agreed with him because he would have been upset otherwise.  I never wanted us to be this far apart and I never want him to go to Florida, ever.  He had his time to be free and do as he pleased already for a year and half when the little one was born.  He had no responsibility, no one to take care of, no one to be loyal to and I didn't even ask him for a dime.  Now he's acting like he's never had time on his own before and it's all because he just wants to be with that girl.  There isn't anything more to it and we both know that.  I don't care what my duties as his slave are, I cannot believe something that is an utter lie.

I can't take being alone anymore.  I don't care if he is happy on his own and rarely thinks of me.  He's always on my mind and I'm not happy without him.  I can't just sit and wait forever for him to come back into my life.  He promised that he'd skip going to Florida all-together and move out here with me if I won and when there is a month of this game left, he decides to say he never said such a thing.  He only looks out for himself and it seems he's doing the same again.  I'm worth more than this.  I'm not going to be someone's slave only to be pushed around and treated like some creature who has no memory or will.  I want what he promised and if he doesn't give it, then I have no need to keep my promises to him. If I win fair and square and he doesn't move to be with me, then I'm burning out contract and leaving him behind.  He can have that girl if she is more important because I will never be a second option.  If he moves to Florida, I will not take him back, ever.

I need to talk to him today... just for a little bit to find out what is going through his mind and why he brushed off our original agreement.  He promised me that he'd move in with me if I win and agreed to skip going to Florida all together.  I know I still have a chance of losing, but changing the agreement and doing as he pleases when I lose are two completely different things.  I just have to know what's going on before I do anything rash.  I want to be his loyal and obedient slave for the rest of my life after all.  I want to do as he wishes of me and follow his command, but I also need to feel his lips against mine again.  I just need to hear his voice and brush against his skin, feel his warmth and take in his smell.  I have no memories left of any of these things and I'm just so afraid that Master will fade from my mind all together if he leaves me here for years to come.  Even a year will break me.  The only reason I survived the original year and a half away from him was due to the fact I had no choice and I had given up all hope of ever seeing him again.  Now that I've lived with him, I can't force myself to do so.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

First Day!

Alright, so I got up really early this morning again.  About five to be exact.  I really wanted to make sure I had my hair washed and everything for work so that I would look presentable.  I had a few doubts when I took a shower, like "Do I remember everything I'm supposed to say to the guests?" and "I need a different belt!"  I don't know why, but these things were really nagging on me.  So I ended up going to K-Mart and buying a belt right before work and clipping my nails.  I thought I looked pretty spiffy.

I was quick trained on how to greet people and stamp.  I did a really good job, though the ink pad fought with me a little bit.  There was this really nice guy I talked to almost the entire day.  I don't know how to spell his name, so I won't try for now.  He's apparently a bouncer at a strip club and is the same age as Master.  We talked about lots of neat things and he introduced me to my new awesome friend, Stacey.  She is so awesome!  We both love anime and the new Batman.  That and we agree that Miku from Vocaloid is terrible and that Luka and See-U are boss.  She even knows what Sword Art Online is!  I hope we become really good friends.  I wanted to tell her more, but I will have to ask Master first.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Orientation

So yeah, I woke up too early again this morning.  For the last few days, the little one wants to get up at five in the morning.  I don't know why little one does it, but it makes me super tired by the middle of the day and unable to do anything.  I passed out for a bit and took a nap for a bit and now I'll be up a little longer trying my best to figure out what to do.  I called the apartments that are located within quick access to Chuck E. Cheese and the soonest availability they have is March 16th.  As you know, its just the beginning of February and this is a bit far off for me, so the second closest in location and price will have to be called on Monday.  Why?  Because for some reason they aren't open on weekends.

So, you must be wondering which job I ended up taking since both orientations were at the same time today.  Which one?  Chuck E. Cheese of course.  What grown adult wouldn't want to work in a place where you get to have fun with little kids, get free drinks and play Atari while on break?  Oh you didn't know about that part?  Well yes, the person who founded Chuck E. Cheese has a leading video game restraunt because  #1 he was the first restaurant to do this and #2 because he made video games.  That's right, Nolan Bushnell, founder of Chuck E. Cheese was also the maker of the Atari. As a reward, we have a retro television and an Atari in our break room. Score!

I haven't really spoken of Master lately and I know that.  I'm trying to focus on upbeat and everything happy that I'm trying to do for myself as of late.  Why is this?  It's because I promised Master as a birthday present that I wouldn't speak ill of anyone ever again.  What does this mean?  Since Master hasn't really been chatting with me or taking the time to make me feel noticed, special or even part of his life, I'm not talking about it.  I know things are going south with us for some reason even though I'm at the top of my best at being his slave.  He already was told when this contract was started that thirty days of neglect is abandonment and we already have two days under the belt.  Sure he said "Did you enjoy work?" but he didn't respond to my answer and he made it a point to get online when I wasn't able to.  He's favoring another female and not paying attention to me, this behavior is the start of abandonment.  If things keep up, when the obedience game is over so will be our contract...

Friday, February 1, 2013

Intimidation


Alright, so *coughs* ほら! I have successfully got my interview tally to 4 out of 4. What does this mean? It means that out of the four times I have been interviewed in my life, I have gotten every single employer to say the words "you're hired". You may be thinking, "Why doesn't this happen to me?" You want to know what my answer is? I'm awesome, that's why! I have no clue what it is, but I can wear a ratty t-shirt and old skirt to an interview (which I sorta did today because I couldn't find my business outfit) and I will always do something that just pushes me over the top in excellence in the employers mind.

What do I do? Genuine interest, genuine care, eye contact and then a little thing to seal the deal. With this one? A child ran over in my direction, I smiled and the child gave the biggest giggle fit and happy attack that man has probably ever seen. Why is this? For some reason, every single child but my own is desperately in love with me if I give them even a small glance. What is the job I'm looking into that made this seal the deal? Chuck E. Cheese, the leader in video game arcade dining. I decided to take this one instead of the one I had lined up because this employer knew what he was doing. He seemed just like my old boss. Nice, fun, but extremely in line and serious about job function and neatness. The kind who will be your friend until you do something wrong and then he cuts you in half. THIS is the kind of person I want to work for.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Choices

Alright, so I got a call today from another prospective job place and I decided to take the interview simply for the fact that they seemed a bit more eager to get me working than my other position.  I'm not sure how it's going to go, but it sounds a lot more interesting than working for some stupid fast food restaurant with a manager who acts as if he's being yelled at all the time.  I've honestly never seen a more odd manager than the one that interviewed me.  His personality belonged to that of a newbie.

Still looking for people to hang out with in the area and much hasn't happened yet.  There is supposedly a group for Lolita, but it's closed end and I can't get in.  One of the members said that was odd, but I don't think so.  The person who owns the group on Facebook looks like a fake snob, but appearances can be deceiving.  I'm just going to wait a few more days and then I asked her to make sure to nudge one of the owners and bring to their attention they've had a request to join for way too long.  Very rude as hostesses and nothing Lolita like about them if you ask me.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Happy Birthday Master!

It's Master's birthday today, so I thought I'd write a little post more towards him.  I haven't been very nice lately do to being lonely and jealous.  I sent Master his birthday card the other day, but I wasn't sure if he'd get it or not on time, so I gave him an e-card as well.  The e-card had an iTunes credit attached to it and the actual card has cash in it.  I know Master is working hard trying to peddle his cards every day, so I thought it would be nice if I give him a little money for his birthday to help him out.  I did interrupt him while he was selling things after all and that probably had something to do with him only trading.

I'd bake Master a cake, but living this far away isn't very helpful and even if I sent the little booger on a plane, it would take ten hours to get there.  I really am happy to be home on the west coast though.  I just really wish that Master was here with me.  Besides those, I got Master a gift on Gaia Online for his avatar and I promised him I'd be nice to people from now on and not call names, so no more ranting about his other woman unless I can keep it chill.  So the slave shall learn to play nice and Master shall have a lovely birthday.

I joined a website called Meetup the other day and I'm hoping to find a few groups to join.  I really need to get out there in the world and start meeting new people even if it's not for a full-on friendship.  I just need to try and fill my schedule with happy things.  I decided yesterday that I really do not want to take this job starting February.  I want to be an entrepreneur more than anything in the world. I saw a Pokémon fabric print just a few minutes ago that sold me. I need to find a sewing class, learn the tips and tricks and start my own Lolita brand. It will be full of nothing but adorable characters and lovely classic and sweet prints. I'll think on the name soon, though I have a few in mind already.

So, I'm going to try to get my dream of entrepreneur this year.  I'm going to start small by taking small business classes, economics, sewing class, jewelry craft, art class, photography workshops and culinary arts classes.  Then I will be armed with the skills to start off with a small Lolita brand.  Work my way into making a seasonal collection and sell sweets on the side.  Then, have enough saved up for the most beautiful and unique café the world has ever known.  Bakery shop counters lined with the most elegant paper lace and topped with decadent desserts, a gorgeous retro cash register, my seasons loveliest coordinates decorating the area, adorable women and girls dressed in the loveliest Lolita-esque waitress uniforms and a French style atmosphere for the entire place.  It will be like a fairy tail and all I have to do to grab it is say nay to the pinned down work world and go out on my own.  I have the smarts to learn and the funds to pay for classes and materials.  This is going to be the grandest adventure ever.

Well, I'm off to take a little kitty nap seeing as I woke up at a decent time this morning and am now rather tired.  I don't know why this happens, it just does.  I can do absolutely nothing and I need a nap if I wake up in the morning.  If I wake up at night though, I don't need a nap at all.  So anyways, wish me luck in my business venture and wish my Master luck in peddling his wares.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Realization

So, I stayed up the entire night in hopes of Master getting online, but that wasn't the case.  He was on at odd times yesterday, so I'm guessing his woman had somewhere to be.  Why would he get online if she wasn't on after all?  It's not like he even thinks of me anymore.  I ended up finishing both seasons of Spice and Wolf in one sitting and ranted spoilers like a mad woman.  I just can't stop thinking about how thickheaded Lawrence is and how Master is the same.  If I threw myself naked in front of him, he wouldn't get the hint of what I wanted in the least.  Though at least Holo physically had him with her.

I've had a good bit of time to think about a lot of things last night and this morning.  A person's life really isn't worth much when you think about it unless you put value into them.  Just the same, if you don't know that person or lose interest in them, it would be easier for you to get rid of them without a second thought.  I'm sure now that Master wouldn't so much as notice if I stopped speaking with him or if I died.  If anything he might find out a few months later when he gets annoyed that I haven't sent him money.  That's all I'm around for after all.  He just wants my money and to use me, I really have no value on my own besides that.  It's not like we're really a couple anymore.  I was just a foolish girl who hoped and prayed that he'd see the real me and how much I adored and needed him.  Hoping all of this would cause him to want me again and come running to be with me and the little one.  That maybe there would be a ray of hope in my darkness and that my spice hadn't faded.

As he said when I left last year, the words he spoke to me were out of reflex and no actual feelings behind them.  Him saying "I love you" to me every night is more than likely just the same, not love, but reflex.  I don't know why anything in my mind would have made me come to the conclusion they were anything more.  My contract isn't to bind me to him, it's just there to keep me away from those whom he actually cares for.  Why would anyone want to be with a bratty and arrogant little slave such as myself?  It's not like I'm anything worth loving anyways...

Monday, January 28, 2013

Alone

So, no Master today.  I'm starting to feel as if I'm all alone in the world now and without anyone to love.  I know I more than likely will never feel the warmth of being held again.  Being alive is rather hard.  There are so many things in a day that you have to do to keep being alive and when you're alone, doing them is so much harder.  If I could wish death on anyone, it would be myself, seeing as it's the easy way out of this pained world.  I know that makes me a weak person, but I can't help that.  Sometimes I say things I don't mean or that I mean in a different way.  I guess you'd really have to know me to know how to take them, though Master doesn't take the time to notice me let alone get to know me.  If I wish someone dead, that's not what I'm saying.  When you place a wish or spell on someone to die, it comes back to you three-fold, so I'm really wishing for myself to die.

Right now I'd have to say I feel like Holo.  I've taken a long journey away from everyone and I may never see them again.  I know I can be proud and arrogant like her as well, but right now I just want held.  I ended up eating an entire bag of strawberry cream puffs while watching Spice and Wolf.  I don't know why, but the series just makes me sad.  The only reason I even started watching it tonight is because I've been listening to the song "She Wolf" by Sai over and over again.  I'm just not in a right place in my mind right now.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

*le sigh* Again...

So, all alone today.  No one to really chat with besides the people on Neopets.  Master was up all night chatting with that horrible girl as usual.  He doesn't even care that it bothers me, he just scolds me even though I have every right to dislike her as much as I want to.  I'm a good girl every day and I deserve to be with my Master, not her.  She doesn't deserve him in the least.  It just makes me so mad how unfair life is to me.  It's like someone says, "You don't always get what you want".  Well, I never do unless it's materialistic and I don't want items, I want affection and attention.

Master ended up getting online late, but he was probably asleep all day which means I'll either have to stay up until my eyes hurt to chat with him or just give up and never really talk to him much again.  It's not like it would make a different to him if I fell off the face of the Earth.  He'd actually probably be happier.  I need someone to hold and love me, treating me like their little princess.  Yes, I want to be a slave... just not the slave who's boxed off from everyone else and never thought of.  I feel like I have no worth anymore.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Confused

So Master and I stayed up too late and chatted for a bit.  He is still really sick and I do feel bad for him, but his behavior is odd.  We only say "I love you" before bed unless I'm feeling really down in the dumps that day and need to hear it, but he just said "love you" with no I.  I thought it might be a typo, but we chatted again later and he said the same thing.  Not only that, he said "ni night" which is my thing only.  I kind of feel like he just parroted what I said seeing as he said what I did minus the I.  Almost as if to impersonalize what he was saying to me.  It wouldn't bother me so much if he had gotten offline when he said he was instead of still being on an hour later.

I just feel rather confused and unloved now.  It's almost as if he just doesn't want to talk with me and only wants to talk with that other girl.  He seems to make her so much more important than me that I'm starting to feel like the third wheel in my own relationship.  I don't know if I should speak up about my feelings or if I should just fade out of the situation and give up.  He already denied being online earlier the first time he did this even though I know the internet doesn't change pages for you.  I just feel I have made the wrong choice in signing a contract with him now that I'm stuck to someone forever and still lonely do to their actions.  It's like someone getting a pet and then deciding they can opt out of taking care of them and just pat them on the head once in a while.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Bleh!

So, nothing is really going on today.  I had breakfast, skipped lunch, took a shower, cleaned myself up to Master's expectations, picked at dinner and then decided to have a melon-pan instead.  Today has been rather boring and I'm just rather annoyed as of right now.  I'm also jealous / annoyed that Master has butterfly wings on his character to match his tramp.  He says they're bloody, but they aren't.  They're sparkly, girly, red butterfly wings.  It's an early birthday present from her.  I wish she would just go away.  Who gives someone a birthday present just to be a total brat?  Not even that, but if you're giving someone a virtual gift, give them something good, not a piece of junk that costs less than the daily limit for one game.  Cheap whore.  I'm going to get Master something ten times better that isn't cheap and thoughtless.  I'm sure he won't wear it on his avatar though because that would offend his tramp.

As you can see, I'm rather mad today and have a lot of pent up anger.  I'm doing my best not to annoy Master with it though seeing as he's still sick.  I know he doesn't read this unless I prompt him to anyways, so if he does see this rant, he'll probably be better, a year older and in Florida by then.  I know he isn't leaving until the weather warms up, but I'm already jealous of that girl.  Everyone knows what I think of her by now.  She's not pretty, she really isn't nice and she is a terrible person, but she gets Master living near her, probably with her if he wanted.  I'm just some dumb toy 2000+ miles away that's been dropped on the floor and forgotten in terms of relationships.  I just wish that everything went better for me.  It always seems like the ones who are nice to everyone, give and don't ask for much back in return, are the ones who get stomped all over and treated like dirt.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Really Now...?

Alright, so I found out that even if I win the obedience game, Master decided to wiggle his way out of coming to live with me.  He said that he never stated a date he'd move in, which he did, so now he is going to be moving in whenever he feels like if I win.  This means it could actually be years even though I've wasted my time being a good girl and trying my best to please him.  I don't even know why I'm trying anymore when he already said he's moving to be with that tramp instead right after the game is over.  Just another slap in your slaves face, huh?  I guess it's fun to abuse someone with no ability to fight back.

Master still hasn't trained me and I know he has no intention to now.  I guess I'm just a stray with no hope for love or a firm Master who is willing to train, scold and praise me properly.  I'm stuck in this contract though and I think that's the way he likes it.  He's just using me for money to go be with his whore at this point, so I don't know what I saw in him.  I thought he really meant that he wanted things to be the way they were before when we were younger, but I guess that was part of his ploy to harm me and the little one even further than he already has.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

All Alone...

So, Master didn't get online today.  I think it has something to do with him being really sick.  I just hope he feels better soon.  I don't like thinking about how ill he has become because of the medicine he's taking and his tooth.  I wanted him to get it taken care of before, but he wouldn't listen to me and now it's really bad.  I shouldn't say I told him so as that's rude and not proper in the least, but he really should have got his tooth removed before surgery was needed.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Oh Happy Days!

So, today I'm actually in a rather good mood.  Not as good as I have been before, but still pretty good.  I haven't had much trouble today, though I've been relaxing most of the time.  I'm hoping to finish my dailies on Neopets soon seeing as I started on them rather late in the day.  I finally got off my health stop and am back on track to keeping up with myself.

I think I'm going to work on a schedule here in a little bit as well as my taxes.  I was really excited to do them until I remembered that Master owns all my possessions - including money - which means I might not even get to use any on myself.  He's in a bad spot right now, so he might want it all for himself, though who knows...  I at least wanted to let little one have a Disneyland birthday this year, but I can't do that with my normal wages.  It would have been $3000 USD for the three of us back where we use to live.  Now that we're so close, it's just a cheap bus trip and the park tickets for a day or two which should be more than $600 USD for everything even if Master came with us.  I just can't wait to get  back to where I use to live when I was younger so that I can get a yearly pass and go every single week.  I'd be in heaven.

On a really good note though, I got my new dress in the mail today.  It came with a whipped topping cup ring and earrings as well as a cake ring.  The dress is light blue and super cute with a large ribbon in the front and neck ties.  I'm really excited that it's machine washable too, so I don't have to worry about getting it dirty, though I'm going to try and keep it clean.  I think I need a blouse to go with it seeing as my bust is... well, my boobs are too big and it shows lots of cleavage which isn't proper for Lolita.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Feeling Blah...

So I didn't really end up sleeping at all last night.  I slept in twenty to forty minute cat nap spurts while texting Master.  Last night I went shopping and got myself a few things.  Mostly food stuffs I don't need and some carrots.  That and a birthday card for Master seeing as his birthday is coming up here in just a little over a week.  I'm not sure what to get him as he never told me like he said he would, but that's fine.  I'll just send him some money so he can pick something out himself seeing as he already has too many Magic: The Gathering cards and I don't know what video games he'd want seeing as all he has are older systems and a Nintendo DS.

So Master said the weirdest thing this morning when he got offline.  He's apparently donating blood today which makes no sense seeing as he's super scared of needles.  I was too, but I somehow grew out of the fear for the most part.  I still don't like them though seeing as every nurse I've had sticks me wrong as I have super small veins.  He said he was doing it for the money, which kind of makes more sense, but now I'm wondering why he's so desperate for money that he'd do something he hates.  If he starts getting desperate enough, who knows what else he'll donate.  If he starts donating sperm though, I'll just be like "bye bye, you just disowned little one" as that would be a violation of contract and a slap in the face to his child.

So now, I'm just sitting here thinking about what reasons he might need the cash.  I don't want to jump to conclusions, but he did say that he wanted to go out of state to see his 'friends' in Florida for his birthday.  He might be getting the money for that so he can see that trampy girl of his.  If that's the case, I've lost all faith in him.  Won't even get his blood checked for my sake so I'd know if I had to get a shot with little one or just to know his blood type, but he'll do it for cash to go see a tramp a days travel away.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Today is Today

So, another day with next to nothing going on.  I keep telling myself to make a fun schedule or something, but I'm just too depressed to pick up a pencil.  I've been working on a little bit of artwork here and there, but that was really only on the days that I didn't feel completely depressed out of my mind.  For the last three days I've been working hard on Sims Social and my Neopets habitarium.  It's all that really amuses me anymore...

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Fudge...

Here's me.  Just bashing my head off of stuff again.  I missed orientation for work today because it was three hours earlier than my boss said and he never called me beforehand to tell me the time change.  Now I don't even know if I want to call-in today to re-schedule seeing as it's been over a month since I first was hired.  I think I'm going to have to find an alternative solution for money for the time being.

Friday, January 18, 2013

*le sigh*

So, I've been sick all day and have been feeling horrible anytime I eat something.  Master didn't really seem to care, just bothered by me saying so.  He stayed up with me for a good portion of the day till around one and then I'm not sure if eh went off to do something else or passed out.  You can never tell with how little he says "be right back".  His girl is being a total whiner and complaining that people are sending her crude messages.  I doubt they're what she is saying though otherwise something would have happened by now.  It's probably hate mail because she is such a terrible and ugly person.  She's so worthless.  I don't even know what Master sees in trash like her.

I'm probably going to bed really early because everyone is just being a jerk face and I've decided to give up on life.  No one is worth my time, no one is worthy of being my friend and no one is worthy of having me.  I'm too smart, pretty and good for anyone.  I know I've said this before, but it's true and I'm getting fed up with the crap I take just for a chance at happy.  I can't wait to get that new apartment so I can just be on my own and not have anyone to deal with or worry about but me and little one, who also is ungrateful as can be.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Today was...

There aren't even words to describe how today went.  The little one was a total jerk, everyone was being so annoying and nothing went right.  Dinner was horrible and so was the rest of the day.  I just wanted to sleep the entire time because I felt sick and tired.  I still feel horrible and the little one won't stop whining like a brat over nothing.  Master isn't feeling himself right now either.  He has to take medication and it's messing him up a bit and him sleeping all day long doesn't really help.  Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Stressful

So, today has been rather stressful so far.  I woke up around six this morning and haven't had much to do but surf through a few blogs, pick up a few things and contemplate starting the laundry, though there isn't enough for a load yet.  As I noted, I went to the Asian food store yesterday and bought a bunch of food.  Not enough to make a mess, just about one shelf worth and a tiny spot in the fridge / freezer.  I had some shrimp flavored crackers this morning as a snack and they were just as light, crispy and shrimpy-good as I remember.  I however did not get any bad breath with them per usual with Japanese snacks.  The little one has been eating a lot of the coconut fruit-flavored jelly we bought.  Little one keeps calling the container a duck, but I'm pretty sure it's a kappa.

Trying to look through all the apartments again to see i they're within walking distance.  Most of the ones that are affordable are not in this area do to this mostly being people over 40 with no children or pets.  It's kind of weird, which is why I want to move to the actual city area (about 20 minutes away from here by car) soon.  The price ranger here is the big part that is killing me.  There are probably four normal apartments that are a 10 minute walk from work, but they cost way too much for what little they provide and how small they are compared to the ones in the city for half the cost and more amenities.

Master hasn't spoken to me since yesterday morning and being me, I'm starting to worry a little bit.  I was afraid for myself when I went in for dental care because I know that it's an easy way to die if they mess up.  I never really bothered to be all "oh I hope you'll be alright" with Master though because I just wanted him to get help so badly.  If he ended up getting hurt because of it, I'll feel really really bad.  Especially since I forgot to tell him to drive safety before leaving.  I was too busy rambling about my own life.

On another note, I had a really really weird dream last night.  It was about me going to visit Master where he lives and it seemed to be a few years into the future.  I was bad mouthing him to everyone I met because he didn't keep up his end of a bargain and refused to be loyal.  He'd gone to meet his gal pal for his birthday like planned, ended up getting her pregnant and had a host of problems to deal with.  He still was unemployed, living with his family and bumming off people with no intentions of paying them back.  The weirdest part was somehow we ended up playing some video game together on his new game system.  He was playing with one of his guy friends and one of my ex-girl friends and I asked if I could play.  They all seemed like they didn't want me to seeing as I'd slow them down somehow.  Master ended up letting me and we played.  The game was rather odd and I don't think I've seen it before in real life, but the dream gave me a game idea at least.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

맛있는

Alright, so today has been a rather good day so far even though I haven't done more than text Master once or twice.  I've done a few other things today though and that makes me happy.  I showered and got all nice and sparkle sparkle besides shaving the legs.  I'll do that tomorrow morning though and touch up everything else.  I also got a few things taken care of and am now looking more into my interests and getting ready to live on my own.  My orientation is supposed to be on this Saturday and I applied for another job today.  If I get both, I'll have more than enough money to get a decent apartment.

As you can see on the title, I updated my Samsung phone today and it gave me lots of new options, it's a prettier interface too.  Now I can switch between different keyboards and type / text to people in other languages.  No Japanese or Chinese sadly, though Korean is just spiffy.  I even got to go to the asian, Lee Lee Supermarket today for the first time.  It's almost as big as a normal store and has sooo much delicious food from different Asian countries.  I thought I was going to spend $100 USD on how much I bought, but to my wonderful surprise it all came out to around $65 USD instead.  I even found all of my favorite snacks in the whole wide world like daifuku and melon-pan.

My mother decided to come with me and look around a bit and she was acting like some foreigner in another country.  It was really funny to watch and I had to read some of the packaging for her.  I ended up convincing her to buy some of the ready noodles instead of dry and she cooked dinner for me.  It was pretty decent for someone who doesn't know what they're doing, though not spicy enough.

I'm starting a Vlog in addition to my blogs here soon.  I think I'm cute enough to do so now, which is odd since I've aged since I wanted to start one.  I don't look any older though, which makes me rather happy.  I'd be happy to be 40 and still look like a young girl and I'm sure Master would be happy too.  I'm not sure what to start it on.  There is just so much I love to do and talk about.  I might make multiple ones like some YouTubers have now.  I would really like to do one about Lolita and Japanese food though.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Not Much

Not really much to do and not much was done.  Chatted with Master for a bit, though not on much.  Today wasn't much of anything really.  Nothing bad really happened though, which is a miracle.  I'm use to having my hand smashed or my foot smashed or anything smashed really.  My luck is usually bad.  So, sorry for the very tiny entry, but today was... not much.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Blargh x1000

Today was just fail all over.  It started out early this morning, right after midnight - me getting in trouble for buying something without getting an okay and then probably a dozen little things I put on my blog that made Master that kinda calm angry that makes you almost pee your panties.  He said he would see if he'd punish me later, but I don't know.  He'll either not do so and stay mad, which is bad for both of us or he'll do so in a way that isn't very nice.

So I do tend to say a lot of things that are right in the moment - anger filled things - because of something that I don't like that I should have thought over before speaking on.  Like yes, I'm horribly angry when Master does anything with another female and even slightly jealous because they're stealing a bit of his attention away from me when I want to be the only female getting any attention.  So what do I do instead of thinking things over?  I rant.  Why?  Because honestly, it makes me feel a little better.  I know I'm prettier, smarter, funnier and better in every way imaginable than any of his girl friends.  So why do I get jealous?  Because someone dumb, ugly and worthless is getting Master's time when they don't even deserve a millisecond.

Oh a happier note, I sprained my hand do to the little one being a ruffian.  Yes, that is happier than the rest of my life at the moment.  Sad, isn't it?

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Losing Hope

Yeah, they canceled orientation again.  It's not going to be until the nineteenth now and at the store about thirty minutes from here.  I give up on this job.  I'm going to fill out a bunch more applications today and go bug some places either later or tomorrow.  I at least have my uniform for the other job when they decide to get their lazy butts around to training me, but I'll have to tell them to deal with my schedule since they decided to take a month in actually putting me to work when I needed the money now.

Master didn't chat with me at all yesterday besides apologizing, half-heartily, that he only was on for a few seconds.  He could have at least said hello and told me why he's so busy because I was online when he got on and he completely ignored me, probably in favor of his slut.  I'm sick of people and how fake they are.  If you're not going to be truthful with me, I don't want you around.  I also noticed Master blocked me from seeing three of his pictures on his Facebook, so I'm guessing they're of something he doesn't want me to see, probably him all over a girl.  I'm too pretty for anyone anyways, I don't know why I hurt myself over things that aren't even worth my time of day.

I've been keeping up with my other blogs for the most part and I've been following the small amount of rules I've been left with, if they mean anything anymore.  I'm sure now that Master has stopped reading my blog and he probably will never give me any assignments because he just doesn't care and he's still a slacker like he always has been when it comes to our relationship.  I just feel lost and alone and all the stress I have to deal with on my own is making things worse for me.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Under The Weather

So, I woke up this morning rather early with a stomach ache.  Needless to say, I'm sick.  I've been having little head colds and the slight stomach ache for the last month and then better for about a day.  Now I've got the wholes works and I can't eat anything with out causing an upset down there.  My weight has also been plateaued for a while and that's really starting to bother me.  I've also been a lot sicker than normal, though everything else has been better since moving here.  I just hope I feel better for work tomorrow, if they don't cancel again that is.

I decided I have to really kick myself into gear now or I'm going to have lots of issues down the road, like losing Master to a much uglier and not-so-nice woman.  I've gone back to just having protein shakes for two meals, light snacks and I'll think of something balanced before dinner comes around.  I've kept up on shaving and am silky smooth and proud of myself.  My hygiene is getting a lot better as well and I hope that if I get myself on a routine that I'll be picture perfect for my Master - if I have any chance of winning left and he doesn't sleep with the other woman here in two weeks.

I've decided to abandon all of my old friends do to 1) them being flakes when I need them and 2) them putting all their problems on me.  Don't get me wrong, I love helping people out... it's just when you decide to become buddy-buddy with the one person I hate and then try to make me do things for you, like spend a boat load of money to go to your wedding in another state after you haven't talked to me for a month... yeah no.  Just ask Master's new brat to be your bridesmaid instead since you losers are friends now.  I never really liked dealing with you and your copy-cat behavior anyways and I'm done with all this drama.  Friends are worthless, I just want to be on my own with my ZomZom and never have to speak with anyone else ever again.  Master can even stop chatting with me if he wants, he has someone else anyways.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Feeling Lonely

So lately I have been feeling rather upset and lonely.  Do to this, I ended up breaking a few rules like touching myself again and watching adult videos.  Did this make me happy?  Nope.  Why did I do it?  I really have no idea.  I guess it's just that Master use to have intercourse with me almost every day, if not multiple times a day and I've confused that a bit for affection.  Either way, I feel bad for doing it and I've just decided to stop.  I parental blocked my computer a few months ago and when I'm really depressed I unlock it, though I think I'm going to ask Master to keep the password.  I don't remember what it is, so I have it in a note document and I don't want to delete it in case the parental control goes on the fritz.

Master has been really really nice to me and spends lots of time roleplaying with me and doing some light chatting, but I still feel lonely.  He even has been a bit lovey and calls me by my nickname instead of just "my dear", though he's only on at night and I end up passing out while talking to him.  I have to get up around six to seven in the morning and talking to him until four in the morning every morning isn't doable anymore.  I'll be lucky if I even get to speak with him for a few minutes this evening seeing as it's not even four and I'm already tired as can be.  Though it has been a rather gloomy day.

I just miss my Master so much and I can't wait to be in his arms again.  It's another fifty days until the obedience game is over and I feel as time goes by, I just feel worse and worse and am afraid of messing up more and more.  I just need to try and cheer up, but I can't.  Every night even saying one word to Master makes me feel like crying and I want to be in his arms so bad.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Bored

So, today was rather uneventful and I didn't get anything I wanted done.  If anything I'm disappointed with life seeing as I didn't get the little one enrolled in school.  I apparently made too much money last year for him to be in head start even though I had to explain to the ignorant idiot that we were a three person household when the income was that much.  Doesn't matter that I'm making nickles and dimes now, just matters what I made last year apparently even though they won't count in the fact I lived with Master for 3/4 of the year.

I honestly would forget my butt if it wasn't attached.  I need to call my old work today and get them to transfer my W-2 to my new address.  I'm just so afraid of talking to my old boss for some reason because of the situation I left on.  Master wouldn't even stay in the house with me, let alone take me to work and I never knew where he was to watch the little one.  It was just a really bad situation and I should have probably taken one of my male friends offers on moving in with them, but I love Master and I don't cheat like he does.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Feeling Low

I really need to get myself some anti-depressants or something because I've been like this for a while now.  About half of it's do to stress / anxiety from being away from Master for so long and the rest is do to my daily life being hectic and not going as planned.  I really need to get an apartment now or I'm going to lose it. I've even found some decent places that have a bunch of stuff included, are rather inexpensive... but have a requirement of two-and-half times income.

Even after I start my new job, I'm only making $7.80 an hour, which is above minimum wage, but still.  If it was full-time, I'd have no issue paying for a place, though with my chances I'll be working just enough to get $700 a month and the only place I can think of that is $280 or less is a dumpster or cardboard box on the street because that's how much I'll have to pay for loitering charges.  If people were actually still human and not mindless working machines, they could give me a chance.  I'd show them that my head for money could easily pay rent with two-thirds my income and I'd still be on my feet.

If I win, I'll at least have Master to help me pay for rent after that.  Then we'd have just about double the income and be able to meet the horrible two-and-half times income requirement.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Living in Blah

Alright, so today I was sort of busy, though not so much as I had hoped.  I was supposed to get my state ID, sign up for some services, enroll the little one in school, get my new apartment settled, go furniture and grocery shopping and go to work after all that.  What did I get accomplished?  I managed to get my state identification and was told that I can't go to work until I complete orientation, so no work or money for me.  The fact that I couldn't go to work was the most upsetting part of today.  The second most upsetting was waiting over two hours in line to have my ticket called to even speak to someone about a state ID.  I had forgotten that cities were... well busy.  Luckily I didn't have to work or I'd be asleep on a cash register right now.

Tomorrow I shall be busy again because everything I didn't finish today, I have to do later.  I at least cleaned the entire bathroom and remembered that I'm supposed to eat something today.  No, my food log isn't empty because I'm forgetful of writing it down.  It's empty because I'm forgetful of eating.  If someone didn't talk about food, I honestly think I wouldn't eat until I noticed I was dying from hypoglycemia.  Food and me...  we went our separate ways.  I never really liked it to begin with, but I ate it because it was there and I was depressed and hated my life.  I still don't care much for my life and not having a job is making me angry as I would really like to buy myself some new clothing, but can't.

Now I just have to hope I get more than one thing on my list of to-do's done or I'm going to be in hot water by the end of the week.  I think I'm going to go for school and services next seeing as I managed to get my state ID and I'm the one who really needs it.  Speaking of identification, I found my old passport from when I lived in China for a while when I was younger.  It's really neat to look at old visas and whatnot and see how much you've changed.  Mine expired in 2009, so obviously it was from 1999 and I was just a kid.  I looked adorable with my hair, though I do adore this new darker hair just as much.  I need to go and get myself a new passport later so that I can travel again.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Stressed

I slept most of the day seeing as I've been stressed out.  I have to start work tomorrow unless otherwise noted and I have never had this kind of job before.  I was a little stressed on my first day of work at the nursing home, but this... is a lot more stress than I have ever felt in my life.  I not only have to work with people, I have to work in a high paced environment and I really do not know if I can take that.  My uniform fits and is actually rather nice compared to the ones Master use to wear.

I'm not sure if I'm even going to be able to sleep do to being so stressed, but I should probably head off around midnight or so... I don't want to though.  Master just woke up a little bit ago as well, so it wouldn't be any fun if I only got to chat with him for a bit before I went to bed.  Though he doesn't seem very chatty anyways, so it might be best.  I've at least managed to make him happy in the last day.  I sent him a bunch of pictures of me and my progress.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Very Very Sleepy

So, I haven't slept in over 24 hours and I'm sure if I do the math, it's actually been two days.  On top of that, I had to go to orientation for work today, which was canceled once I got there.  My ankle is still in a lot of pain and I've just been under much stress.  Tomorrow is my only day of nothing to do seeing as I start work Monday.  I need to try and sleep as much as I can between now and then or I think I'll end up rather sick.

Master was nice enough to talk to me from last night until a bit after the sun came up.  The little one took a nap while I was out today, so no nap for me.  I really want one though and am fighting rather hard to stay up for another hour so that I can go to bed at a decent time.  I'm not sure if that will happen though with how much my body keeps trying to fall asleep.  I want to stay up and chat with Master... I just don't know if I can though.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Ouchie

Today started out bad as I didn't get much sleep and everyone in the house is cranky.  I got to work and filled out some things on the computer and when I went to walk home, my mother decided to pick me up one block from the house.  Now, this would have been nice if she actually was a nice person.  Instead, she yelled at me to get in the car and proceeded to almost kill me with said car.  My right rib cage is in a horrible amount of pain now and my right ankle is bloodied up pretty good and in serious amounts of pain.

Master was really nice today, he stayed up with me all day even though he had been up earlier and chatted.  He even called me a good girl, loyal and obedient.  I know that might seem horrid to some people being called words you'd say to a pet, bu that's what I am.  Well, I'm his slave, but being called things you'd call a pet just makes me happier seeing as it's more affectionate.  He really is a very loving Master when he wants to be even though I say otherwise.  I figured he'd just ask if the little one was in the car or something like that, but he didn't.

I took a nap two or three times tonight because I kept passing out.  I really can't help it though, I feel woozy and really confused after the happenings of today.  I also need to hurry up and look for my social security card so that I can go to orientation for work tomorrow.  If I can't find that, then I'm just going to be even more messed over than I already am for not having a state ID.  Well, I have one, it's just for a different state though and I need to go on Monday and get my state ID and food handlers card before work.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Losing It

Yeah, this is me again, flopping on the floor out of frustration again.  Master actually gave me a surprise inspection yesterday and like every time he does this, I wasn't prepared.  I remembered to shave arms and my legs mostly, though I did no remember the most important areas and Master said he was disappointed in me.  Not only that, I didn't sleep well last night, if at all and when I finally did pass out for five minutes, the little one decided to poop all over the floor.  That was a fun mess to clean that took up about two hours of my day and then I had to clean my poor green machine and the bathtub afterwards.  The little one could have walked not even ten feet to the toilet and instead did it in front of the bedroom.  I wonder sometimes...

So, lots of cleaning, past my breaking point of stress and Master wasn't online all day today, not even for a minute.  He messaged me back almost half-a-day ago, but I know he probably won't even notice I texted him back and if he does, he won't reply or he will in a day or so if I don't get online.  I'm just really stressed and needed someone to talk to and of course whenever that happens, he is never there for me.  Master has actually only been there for me being stressed / sick once, and no, that wasn't when my father passed.  He just was awkward and didn't even comfort me when that happened.  Overall, I'd have to say he is really really bad at being a decent person of any kind, though I shouldn't say those things about my Master, even if they are true.  He's just so self-servicing that he forgets I have emotional needs too.

So, I have to go in to work tomorrow and fill out papers.  I got my uniform today and found at checkout that my card was missing.  I really need to use it for ten transactions this month and I'm going to go insane if I have to pay a fee for not using it.  So, I guess I'm going to have to think of some needs that are really tiny in cost and just purchase one item per transaction.  Here is to hoping tomorrow is a better day...

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Too Tired...

I am beyond exhausted today. I slept for about five hours, laid in bed for an extra hour-and-a-half and still had absolutely no desire to move.  I didn't even really have breakfast this morning because I was too lazy to eat anything and yes, most the food I have doesn't need cooked anyways.  I'm too lazy to even open my mouth to eat let alone talk to anyone.  The only times I've even said anything were to spout a few profanities which I'm keeping track of so I can try to lessen that each day.  Needless to say, another day gone by and I did not go shopping for my work pants.  I don't like the idea of wearing men's clothing let alone wearing pants, so this is just a dreaded shopping trip and I'm not going to make it on a day I feel lazy.

Master should wake up soon (yes, we went to bed at a horrible time this morning) so that I can chat with him online.  Though, if he doesn't get on in the next hour, I think I'm going to take another nap.  I'm at the very least getting my bucket list items done, though I'm too lazy to do anything besides that.  I decided for sure that this month is not the month to try new foods because I'm not hungry in the least.  That and I don't like grocery shopping without Master, so I avoid it the best I can when not living with him.  The little one has plenty to eat and is pretty much the only one doing any eating today.

I've been staring at my drawing board for most of the time that I've been up, trying to think if I should pack it or not.  The only things I'm leaving unpacked are things that are a need, a want that I use at least twice a week and items that could help me get cash.  If I wasn't so lazy today, I might be able to draw some artwork to put up as an example for people to commission me.  I'm too lazy to do even that right now too.  The only reason I'm even typing up an entry right now because moving my fingers on a laptop keyboard takes next to no effort, but sadly my fingers are getting lazy too.  So all I have to report today is that I was bad and looked at some images I shouldn't have do to a flaw in my browser's block system, so now I have to figure out how to block bad images on BlogLovin because apparently parental block doesn't pick up the images on there as pornography even though it is.  I also ended up touching myself again.  Not a great way to start out the new year. *tisk tisk*

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year 2013!

Alright, so here we are - 2013!  I'd be more excited if there were fireworks and someone to share this magical hour with.  I got to call Master on the phone for almost two minutes and sent him an air kiss at midnight and he sent one back.  It's time to stick to everything right in my thoughts and only do what makes Master and myself happy (and the little one, of course).  No more bad language, only happy, peppy, sweet and innocent real me.  No more letting bad bother me, it never did before and there is no reason to let it start getting to me.  As of this morning when I wake up, I'm going to start my day off with some exercising until I'm tired and then take a nice shower, get dressed and get my act together as I start my hunt for the perfect apartment to live in and get the needed things for my new job.

I'll make sure to clean up my living space, take care of myself and check out the words of the day I have to go over and hopefully learn something new.  I have a spare journal I've been using since I moved and I think it's time I start filling it up with little notes and useful things.  I also need to check my bank account and see when I have to make ten purchases by.  It's the only way to keep my account from being charged besides keeping a high balance, which I really can't do.

So, I hope everyone has a wonderful new year and gets their resolutions in order!  I'm wishing all of you the best for this year and hope that every single one of you gets to do exactly what you want.  Remember never to let anyone hold you back (unless what you want is utterly stupid) and do your best with what you have.  I'm going to be starting a second blog in addition to this one here in the coming month.  I do not know if it will be a daily, every other day or weekly thing yet, but I will of course post when it happens.  I also added all of my favorite sozai collections to the right side of my blog as you can see.  So, go out there and have a great year!  I'm going to get some well deserved rest. Follow my blog with Bloglovin