Thursday, February 28, 2013

Last Day...

Today is the last day of the obedience game and I'm nervous.  I know I shouldn't be since overall I have really improved and been a good girl.  I'm just afraid that Master doesn't see it that way and that he'll go back on his word even more so if I actually win tomorrow.  He just had surgery yesterday too so I don't want to pester him about something like this.  I just hope he feels better soon.

On another note I have so much to do right now and so little money that I just feel like breaking down.  I need financial help badly and I'm trying to sell off everything Master didn't buy me to make a little rent money.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Losing it...

I'm still feeling the horrible ache of being unwanted and unloved right now.  Sure Master tried his best a couple days ago to tell me I'm loved, but I don't feel it.  He was only affectionate for one day and then went back to his normal, unloving, uncaring self who puts me on hold.  I just wish I wasn't in love sometimes because of how much it hurts and how much I'm starting to feel like it's not worth it.  Sure Master is the person I want, but he doesn't seem to want me.  I even told him I oogled someone else and he doesn't see why he should care.  I think he really just is in love with that other girl and doesn't give a crap about me.  I'm starting to hate myself again.  I'm going to bed before I start throwing a tantrum and scream at him for being such a horrible husband and Master.

On another note, Master said that he might visit soon, though I'm sure that's just a sick tease like everything else he says to me.  I don't know why he bothers saying stuff like that when he knows I'll just get upset when it doesn't happen or it happens a really long time from now.  He might just like seeing me upset.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Almost Over...

Just six more days and the three month long obedience game is over.  I've done all that I can do in the way of bettering myself and being good, now I just have to leave everything to chance and hope.  I've been stressing myself out and working my poor body as hard as I can to move heavy boxes and furniture on my own.  I somehow got a six foot tall, rather heavy curio / television cabinet up the stairs and into my apartment, but my hands and back hurt now.  Not only that, but I come home and Master is just getting offline as I'm getting on.  It's just such a bad day I want to cry, go to bed and hope that I never wake up.

I'm not even finished with the bad though because now I have to wake up early in the morning to open at work for my first time and I didn't make it to turn in some papers on time.  I just want someone to hold me tight and kiss me on the forehead.  I don't know why that's so much to ask for, but it seems to be so.  I just feel so unloved, unwanted and worthless right now.  I have no one to help me, take care of me or even comfort me anymore.  I feel like a mistake that should have never happened in the first place.  I'm sure everyone would be much happier that way.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Flustered...

My feelings have been very mixed up lately.  There is less than two weeks left of the obedience game, but I'm not really sure of the prize.  If I win, I suppose it's that Master will live with me again someday, but he refuses to admit he said shortly after the game was over.  Even if I do win, it won't be much of a victory if I still have to wait months or years just to be with him again.  I'm a very sensitive and needy creature, I can't wait out for Master as long as he wants me to.  I need someone who can take care of me, love me and hold me in his arms.  I'm someone who needs affection from another person to be happy and if the person I'm with isn't willing to give that, then... I don't think it's going to work.

I'm tired of long-distance relationships.  I already had one for a year and a half and it was too stressful to the point I was about ready to give up if we hadn't moved in together.  A year separate at most and then I'm backing out of the contract for the first reason I can find, even if I have to break the contract myself.  I'm even moving into my new apartment tomorrow and I made sure it was one that was big enough for all of us and that the codes allowed Master to bring his cat.  If Master decides that he doesn't want to stick to his word or if I lose, there was no point in doing so.  If Master hasn't shown any sign of commitment to me as a slave by March 1st, then well... I think I'm just going to have to push him out of my thoughts so as not to be in anymore pain than I already am.

I've been on the best behavior I can muster.  I've been my true self and nothing less, I've shown Master how I really feel about everything and I've made sure to listen to all his demands and follow through with them to the best of my ability.  I've even been bettering my health like he wanted.  If all of that doesn't help me win, then I have no idea what would have.  I've been loyal, loving, caring and I've done my best to even back off a little and not call him, not skype him or anything like that because I know he doesn't like phones, even though I want to hear his voice and see his face badly.  I've even done my best to not complain about his other woman as much even though I want her gone now.  If I win and he moves to Florida to be with her... I'm just going to shut down, back off and give up completely.  Love isn't worth fighting for when the other person has no brain, let alone a heart.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Valentine's Day Master!

So, today is Valentine's Day and I'm so happy!  Master spent time chatting with me and I bought him some candies and got him a card to show him how much I love him.  I don't think he got it in the mail yet though and that makes me really sad...  None of my presents make it there on time and I just don't know what to do.  I should probably start taking advantage of the stores starting holidays a month early and just send them at that time with a 'do not open till' sticker on the front.  I'm not sure if Master would listen, but he might.

I got new glasses today!  They help me see and were really great for about ten minutes... but now I feel as if I'm dizzy as can be and want to throw up.  I haven't worn glasses in a few months and it's painful to now.  It's nice to be able to read again.  I'm clinically blind now and have a very high prescription which makes me sad... but at least they can help me.  I just hope that things don't get worse soon or I won't be able to see even with glasses.  I was told it's because of the color of my eyes.  Blue eyes are really bad with the sun and since I love living in sunnier places, I'm going to end up blind sooner than most.

I didn't ask Master... so he might be mad, but I bought a teapot and some tea cups today.  I've always wanted my own little tea set that I could use and I finally bought one.  Maintaining it will be the only issue since they're hand wash only.  The teapot is white and very small and the cups are red and really really big.  It's kind of silly, but I really love them.  I saw a real tea set at Macy's that I fell in love with, but the cups were $25 a piece and I didn't even dare look at the price on the teapot.  That is something I'd have to buy one piece at a time and pray the set didn't change out before I finished.  I'll have to tell Master about my fumble though so he doesn't get too mad with me for telling him late.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Do I Have To Get Up...?

I didn't even want to get out of bed today...  I just don't really feel myself and I wanted to sleep in after last night, but I can't.  Master was very mean to me and treated me poorly in favor of that other girl again.  He also rudely snapped at me as to why he can't date someone else and I pointed out it's in the contract he signed and he was fine with it when he signed it, but I guess not anymore.  It's not like I shouldn't have expected this with how horrible his attitude has been declining the past month.  He already favors this girl more and does anything she tells him to like a puppet, so I see no reason for him not to want to be with her.

So much to do today to try and keep my mind off of it though.  I need to go get all the services for my apartment set up including renter's insurance.  I need to pick up some things from the grocery store and get a bunch of other things in line.  I almost forgot, I have to go get my new Food Handler's card as well.  So lots to do to take up my second half of the day, for now I just need to get the sleep out of my eyes and maybe lay in the tub and think for a while.  It's always nice to be able to just relax in a bath tub and figure out things.

So, I'm guessing Master has someone else for Valentine's this year.  It's not like I can blame him, she lives closer now.  That's the only good quality about her though.  He already threatened to break our contract when I spoke up about how I don't like being treated less than her.  If he wants her more than me, then he can have her.  It's not like I'm needed anyways seeing as I'm just some person a few thousand miles away that he hasn't seen in months.  Not to mention he hasn't even touched me once since signing the contract with me.  It's like I'm not even a toy that's been tossed aside, I'm just one he never decided to play with at all.

It's lonely sleeping by myself every night and having no one to hug or kiss me.  Master only says he loves me when I'm being good... it's more like he loves my actions and not me at all.  If I'm good and stay out of the way and out of his business, he can date behind my back and continue to treat me like nothing.  I want to make Master happy with me, but he just always gets mad instead.  Maybe I'm just worthless and not really good enough for him.  Maybe I'm not worthy of being called his precious chattel.  Maybe I'm just a worthless thing that he doesn't really need anymore.  I just wanted a little better treatment and he bites my head off...  It's like I'm lower than a slave, I'm dirt or something.  I'm not sure if doting on Master and trying to make him happy is worth destroying myself.  He just wants me to be an emotionless husk and that makes me sad.  I know he said it wasn't my feelings, but my delusions that make him angry.  It's not a delusion when it's true and right there in front of everyone's playing view.  He just wants to use excuses to try and bring me down, but I'm not stupid enough to fall for those and I never have been.  If he wants to cheat and treat someone like crap, then he should have found someone else because he should know by now I don't take that from anyone.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Cranky

Normally I would be busy at this moment, but I'm just too flustered to pack right now.  I just need to get out a good rant so that I'll be able to concentrate on work.  Master was very rude to me last night when I didn't deserve it.  He was online chatting with other people and didn't even bother to respond to me for over two hours.  Then when I go to say goodnight and point out how rude it was that he just looked at my post, he said he was in the bathroom.  Facebook doesn't just randomly post "Seen at time" to be jerks, Master wasn't in the bathroom and if he had time to look at a post and ignore it for ten minutes, he had time to reply to it as well.  He tried to play the card that I'm just going back into my overly touchy and paranoid mode when 1) I wasn't being paranoid about anything and 2) I was pissed because he has the time to post up a M:TG cards he made, but not say goodnight to me.

He gives too many excuses now and he is the one who is reverting back into his bad habits, not me.  If he wants to act how he use to, then fine.  I don't want a Master who treats me like the problem and ends a conversation by signing off anyways.  I cannot believe he threw such a hissy over me just pointing out he ignored me for hours on end.  He knows how angry it makes me when he signs off or stops talking after making a childish comment.  If he wants to chat, he knows how to get a hold of me.  I am too busy to deal with people who can't act their age right now.  I honestly thought he meant it when he said he'd be a better Master from now on, but guess I'm still the only one mature enough to keep what I say.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Happy Lunar New Year!

So, for the first time ever, I haven't posted in a few days.  Why is this?  Because I'm very very busy with things in the real world right now.  I'm moving here in ten days, I've been working now and I have lots of other things on my plate from getting the little one into preschool, perfecting the bus schedule, budgeting like a mad woman and trying to get any help available.  Also trying to figure out a lasting grocery list, thinking on how to get the things I need that aren't food and sending out Valentines.

So, it's the year of the snake.  Do I personally know any snakes?  No idea.  The only people who matter are Master who is a horse, little one is a rat and I am a sheep.  My mother is a tiger, and my younger sibling is an ox, which my father also was.  I don't really know anyone else who are the other signs, but that's okay.  I do know one monkey, but that's the girl I hate, so by default I don't like monkeys.  Anyways ~ I hope everyone has a wonderful Lunar New Year and you get lots of good food!  I'm going to make some stuff myself and have a traditional candy tray.  The little one's grandparents sent money at the funniest time since it's the Lunar New Year, but we'll be sending it back since they aren't welcome in our life and I don't want them to say we owe them anything.

On another note, I'll only be blogging every few days from now on, about three times a week to be exact.  I might have to nudge that down to just two later, but I'm trying to still get my daily events and thoughts all out somewhere so I don't get upset and annoyed like I was the other night.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Sleepy Days


Woke up at the same time that I have been for a while now.  Not sure why, but early morning is my new 'rise and shine' which really isn't a bad thing.  I was going to take care of a few things today, but that didn't work out and tomorrow probably won't either with the family's schedule.  I really really need to get things done though and no one seems to understand that.  This place is in a bad local seeing as there is no bus for a 15 minute walk.  I can't wait to move into my new apartment on the 20th.  I just need to ask around and figure out when to get my bus pass and if I can manage to get health insurance.  They apparently have a 50% off bus pass for the month if you can show them a government health card.

So, I asked Master if I could have some money for shopping either tomorrow or the next day along with asking for a purse.  He said yes to both, which made me really happy.  I just have to try and quickly, but carefully check over the entire store for Lolita items or items that can be used in such a way.  It's always hard to find things in normal places or cheap that fit the Lolita profile.  The purse is brand, Angelic Pretty, and will be my first brand item.  I'm ecstatic and can't wait for it to get here.  The person lives in the USA, so hopefully it won't take more than a week at most.

I promised Master I won't beg for anymore brand, but I probably will end up asking (not really begging) to at least visit BTSSB for my birthday much later in the year.  I know BTSSB and AP don't always mix, but there are a few things they have that I just dream of owning some day.  That and if money is really hard, I could always just buy an alice bow.  I just need all of my coordinates to have at least one brand item so I don't feel silly.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Freedom

So I didn't sleep last night.  I was too busy chatting with Master into the morning about various things and giving him artwork of my characters to make into Magic: The Gathering spoof cards.  He actually did a rather nice job and I love them very much.  This is my favorite one that he made for me.  It looks just like me and the puppy is cute enough that I'd have to say it's okay to be holding it, though I'm not a dog person.

I really wanted to pass out around one in the afternoon, but I knew I had things to do today.  My mother threw a tantrum the other night that she wanted me out now because she couldn't stand me anymore.  All she had to do was ask me to leave, I've told her this at least thirty times now.  Just ask and I'll be gone.  So seeing as this tantrum was took as asking, I immediatley found a place, called and sealed the deal as of today.  The whole time this went on my mother was dumbfounded that I'm competent.  I'm not dumb, I never have been.  I'm just as smart as my father and just as driven to boot with every skill of his in finances, business and persuasion.  I was just trying to save up a little more money before running off on my own, this works fine too.  Now she is complaining about she is going to be lonely without me and little one.  Shouldn't have opened your mouth then, if you tell me to leave, I'm not staying and I won't ever come back.  Master should be able to attest to that.  I've had the money and resources to up and leave back to where Master lives and stay with him, but I haven't and I'm never going to.  If he wants me back, he'll have to come here.

So I got my new place!  I'm rather excited and can't wait to move in.  I gave myself two weeks between now and move in day so that I could have all my things properly sorted and packed.  I also wanted some time to have everything set up, compare prices on insurance and maybe think on getting one of those scary, metal death machines people call a car.  I'm still afraid of them and think I'll just be getting a bike here down the road.  Bikes are my favorite transportation after all and I would love one very much.  I have to get a metro pass though so that I can get to work as this apartment is on the opposite side of the city.

I'm just so excited I can hardly contain myself.  The apartment I picked is even a three person and one pet maximum, so Master and his cat can move here if he decides to.  Sure I'll have to front another $226 to put them on the lease, but it will be worth it.  I'll be looking for another job closer to the apartments as well so that I will be able to have it easy during the week.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Missing You

I don't know why, but I honestly can't take this pain in my chest anymore.  I've been doing my best to do anything and everything Master has asked of me, even before I left his side.  I only left because it was what he wanted me to do.  He didn't want me to be around anymore, so I left.  I only agreed with him because he would have been upset otherwise.  I never wanted us to be this far apart and I never want him to go to Florida, ever.  He had his time to be free and do as he pleased already for a year and half when the little one was born.  He had no responsibility, no one to take care of, no one to be loyal to and I didn't even ask him for a dime.  Now he's acting like he's never had time on his own before and it's all because he just wants to be with that girl.  There isn't anything more to it and we both know that.  I don't care what my duties as his slave are, I cannot believe something that is an utter lie.

I can't take being alone anymore.  I don't care if he is happy on his own and rarely thinks of me.  He's always on my mind and I'm not happy without him.  I can't just sit and wait forever for him to come back into my life.  He promised that he'd skip going to Florida all-together and move out here with me if I won and when there is a month of this game left, he decides to say he never said such a thing.  He only looks out for himself and it seems he's doing the same again.  I'm worth more than this.  I'm not going to be someone's slave only to be pushed around and treated like some creature who has no memory or will.  I want what he promised and if he doesn't give it, then I have no need to keep my promises to him. If I win fair and square and he doesn't move to be with me, then I'm burning out contract and leaving him behind.  He can have that girl if she is more important because I will never be a second option.  If he moves to Florida, I will not take him back, ever.

I need to talk to him today... just for a little bit to find out what is going through his mind and why he brushed off our original agreement.  He promised me that he'd move in with me if I win and agreed to skip going to Florida all together.  I know I still have a chance of losing, but changing the agreement and doing as he pleases when I lose are two completely different things.  I just have to know what's going on before I do anything rash.  I want to be his loyal and obedient slave for the rest of my life after all.  I want to do as he wishes of me and follow his command, but I also need to feel his lips against mine again.  I just need to hear his voice and brush against his skin, feel his warmth and take in his smell.  I have no memories left of any of these things and I'm just so afraid that Master will fade from my mind all together if he leaves me here for years to come.  Even a year will break me.  The only reason I survived the original year and a half away from him was due to the fact I had no choice and I had given up all hope of ever seeing him again.  Now that I've lived with him, I can't force myself to do so.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

First Day!

Alright, so I got up really early this morning again.  About five to be exact.  I really wanted to make sure I had my hair washed and everything for work so that I would look presentable.  I had a few doubts when I took a shower, like "Do I remember everything I'm supposed to say to the guests?" and "I need a different belt!"  I don't know why, but these things were really nagging on me.  So I ended up going to K-Mart and buying a belt right before work and clipping my nails.  I thought I looked pretty spiffy.

I was quick trained on how to greet people and stamp.  I did a really good job, though the ink pad fought with me a little bit.  There was this really nice guy I talked to almost the entire day.  I don't know how to spell his name, so I won't try for now.  He's apparently a bouncer at a strip club and is the same age as Master.  We talked about lots of neat things and he introduced me to my new awesome friend, Stacey.  She is so awesome!  We both love anime and the new Batman.  That and we agree that Miku from Vocaloid is terrible and that Luka and See-U are boss.  She even knows what Sword Art Online is!  I hope we become really good friends.  I wanted to tell her more, but I will have to ask Master first.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Orientation

So yeah, I woke up too early again this morning.  For the last few days, the little one wants to get up at five in the morning.  I don't know why little one does it, but it makes me super tired by the middle of the day and unable to do anything.  I passed out for a bit and took a nap for a bit and now I'll be up a little longer trying my best to figure out what to do.  I called the apartments that are located within quick access to Chuck E. Cheese and the soonest availability they have is March 16th.  As you know, its just the beginning of February and this is a bit far off for me, so the second closest in location and price will have to be called on Monday.  Why?  Because for some reason they aren't open on weekends.

So, you must be wondering which job I ended up taking since both orientations were at the same time today.  Which one?  Chuck E. Cheese of course.  What grown adult wouldn't want to work in a place where you get to have fun with little kids, get free drinks and play Atari while on break?  Oh you didn't know about that part?  Well yes, the person who founded Chuck E. Cheese has a leading video game restraunt because  #1 he was the first restaurant to do this and #2 because he made video games.  That's right, Nolan Bushnell, founder of Chuck E. Cheese was also the maker of the Atari. As a reward, we have a retro television and an Atari in our break room. Score!

I haven't really spoken of Master lately and I know that.  I'm trying to focus on upbeat and everything happy that I'm trying to do for myself as of late.  Why is this?  It's because I promised Master as a birthday present that I wouldn't speak ill of anyone ever again.  What does this mean?  Since Master hasn't really been chatting with me or taking the time to make me feel noticed, special or even part of his life, I'm not talking about it.  I know things are going south with us for some reason even though I'm at the top of my best at being his slave.  He already was told when this contract was started that thirty days of neglect is abandonment and we already have two days under the belt.  Sure he said "Did you enjoy work?" but he didn't respond to my answer and he made it a point to get online when I wasn't able to.  He's favoring another female and not paying attention to me, this behavior is the start of abandonment.  If things keep up, when the obedience game is over so will be our contract...

Friday, February 1, 2013

Intimidation


Alright, so *coughs* ほら! I have successfully got my interview tally to 4 out of 4. What does this mean? It means that out of the four times I have been interviewed in my life, I have gotten every single employer to say the words "you're hired". You may be thinking, "Why doesn't this happen to me?" You want to know what my answer is? I'm awesome, that's why! I have no clue what it is, but I can wear a ratty t-shirt and old skirt to an interview (which I sorta did today because I couldn't find my business outfit) and I will always do something that just pushes me over the top in excellence in the employers mind.

What do I do? Genuine interest, genuine care, eye contact and then a little thing to seal the deal. With this one? A child ran over in my direction, I smiled and the child gave the biggest giggle fit and happy attack that man has probably ever seen. Why is this? For some reason, every single child but my own is desperately in love with me if I give them even a small glance. What is the job I'm looking into that made this seal the deal? Chuck E. Cheese, the leader in video game arcade dining. I decided to take this one instead of the one I had lined up because this employer knew what he was doing. He seemed just like my old boss. Nice, fun, but extremely in line and serious about job function and neatness. The kind who will be your friend until you do something wrong and then he cuts you in half. THIS is the kind of person I want to work for.