Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Realization

So, I stayed up the entire night in hopes of Master getting online, but that wasn't the case.  He was on at odd times yesterday, so I'm guessing his woman had somewhere to be.  Why would he get online if she wasn't on after all?  It's not like he even thinks of me anymore.  I ended up finishing both seasons of Spice and Wolf in one sitting and ranted spoilers like a mad woman.  I just can't stop thinking about how thickheaded Lawrence is and how Master is the same.  If I threw myself naked in front of him, he wouldn't get the hint of what I wanted in the least.  Though at least Holo physically had him with her.

I've had a good bit of time to think about a lot of things last night and this morning.  A person's life really isn't worth much when you think about it unless you put value into them.  Just the same, if you don't know that person or lose interest in them, it would be easier for you to get rid of them without a second thought.  I'm sure now that Master wouldn't so much as notice if I stopped speaking with him or if I died.  If anything he might find out a few months later when he gets annoyed that I haven't sent him money.  That's all I'm around for after all.  He just wants my money and to use me, I really have no value on my own besides that.  It's not like we're really a couple anymore.  I was just a foolish girl who hoped and prayed that he'd see the real me and how much I adored and needed him.  Hoping all of this would cause him to want me again and come running to be with me and the little one.  That maybe there would be a ray of hope in my darkness and that my spice hadn't faded.

As he said when I left last year, the words he spoke to me were out of reflex and no actual feelings behind them.  Him saying "I love you" to me every night is more than likely just the same, not love, but reflex.  I don't know why anything in my mind would have made me come to the conclusion they were anything more.  My contract isn't to bind me to him, it's just there to keep me away from those whom he actually cares for.  Why would anyone want to be with a bratty and arrogant little slave such as myself?  It's not like I'm anything worth loving anyways...