Monday, February 4, 2013

Missing You

I don't know why, but I honestly can't take this pain in my chest anymore.  I've been doing my best to do anything and everything Master has asked of me, even before I left his side.  I only left because it was what he wanted me to do.  He didn't want me to be around anymore, so I left.  I only agreed with him because he would have been upset otherwise.  I never wanted us to be this far apart and I never want him to go to Florida, ever.  He had his time to be free and do as he pleased already for a year and half when the little one was born.  He had no responsibility, no one to take care of, no one to be loyal to and I didn't even ask him for a dime.  Now he's acting like he's never had time on his own before and it's all because he just wants to be with that girl.  There isn't anything more to it and we both know that.  I don't care what my duties as his slave are, I cannot believe something that is an utter lie.

I can't take being alone anymore.  I don't care if he is happy on his own and rarely thinks of me.  He's always on my mind and I'm not happy without him.  I can't just sit and wait forever for him to come back into my life.  He promised that he'd skip going to Florida all-together and move out here with me if I won and when there is a month of this game left, he decides to say he never said such a thing.  He only looks out for himself and it seems he's doing the same again.  I'm worth more than this.  I'm not going to be someone's slave only to be pushed around and treated like some creature who has no memory or will.  I want what he promised and if he doesn't give it, then I have no need to keep my promises to him. If I win fair and square and he doesn't move to be with me, then I'm burning out contract and leaving him behind.  He can have that girl if she is more important because I will never be a second option.  If he moves to Florida, I will not take him back, ever.

I need to talk to him today... just for a little bit to find out what is going through his mind and why he brushed off our original agreement.  He promised me that he'd move in with me if I win and agreed to skip going to Florida all together.  I know I still have a chance of losing, but changing the agreement and doing as he pleases when I lose are two completely different things.  I just have to know what's going on before I do anything rash.  I want to be his loyal and obedient slave for the rest of my life after all.  I want to do as he wishes of me and follow his command, but I also need to feel his lips against mine again.  I just need to hear his voice and brush against his skin, feel his warmth and take in his smell.  I have no memories left of any of these things and I'm just so afraid that Master will fade from my mind all together if he leaves me here for years to come.  Even a year will break me.  The only reason I survived the original year and a half away from him was due to the fact I had no choice and I had given up all hope of ever seeing him again.  Now that I've lived with him, I can't force myself to do so.