Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Flustered...

My feelings have been very mixed up lately.  There is less than two weeks left of the obedience game, but I'm not really sure of the prize.  If I win, I suppose it's that Master will live with me again someday, but he refuses to admit he said shortly after the game was over.  Even if I do win, it won't be much of a victory if I still have to wait months or years just to be with him again.  I'm a very sensitive and needy creature, I can't wait out for Master as long as he wants me to.  I need someone who can take care of me, love me and hold me in his arms.  I'm someone who needs affection from another person to be happy and if the person I'm with isn't willing to give that, then... I don't think it's going to work.

I'm tired of long-distance relationships.  I already had one for a year and a half and it was too stressful to the point I was about ready to give up if we hadn't moved in together.  A year separate at most and then I'm backing out of the contract for the first reason I can find, even if I have to break the contract myself.  I'm even moving into my new apartment tomorrow and I made sure it was one that was big enough for all of us and that the codes allowed Master to bring his cat.  If Master decides that he doesn't want to stick to his word or if I lose, there was no point in doing so.  If Master hasn't shown any sign of commitment to me as a slave by March 1st, then well... I think I'm just going to have to push him out of my thoughts so as not to be in anymore pain than I already am.

I've been on the best behavior I can muster.  I've been my true self and nothing less, I've shown Master how I really feel about everything and I've made sure to listen to all his demands and follow through with them to the best of my ability.  I've even been bettering my health like he wanted.  If all of that doesn't help me win, then I have no idea what would have.  I've been loyal, loving, caring and I've done my best to even back off a little and not call him, not skype him or anything like that because I know he doesn't like phones, even though I want to hear his voice and see his face badly.  I've even done my best to not complain about his other woman as much even though I want her gone now.  If I win and he moves to Florida to be with her... I'm just going to shut down, back off and give up completely.  Love isn't worth fighting for when the other person has no brain, let alone a heart.